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Sixth of December โค๏ธ Thursday, 10 January 2019 | 0 comment[s] I knew long distance was going to be painful but I didn't think it would be this painful. I get these throbbing in my chest when I start missing him and it just hurts. I miss him. I miss his hands. I miss his warmth. I miss him being in my arms. I miss the feeling of having his arms around me. I miss his head pats. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his kisses. I just really miss him. During these two months so much has happened and my affection for this guy has just, grown. While I was overseas we'd call really often. It got to the point where I am so attached to his voice. We also video called too and it was honestly really nice. Being able to see him made me happy and smile a lot, especially if I could see his reaction when I'm teasing him HAHAHA And recently he interacted with some of my little cousins and it honestly made my heart swell up. He is so incredibly cute. He humoured them with their jokes and teases and it was so pure and sweet. He has been there for me when I've been constantly complaining about the person who I went on the exchange with. He's made me feel so special. He constantly gives me butterflies and fuzzes (to the point where I want to cry) - yes, even up to this day. He makes my fears go away. He makes me feel loved. He actually respects me. He doesn't make me feel as though I'm alone. I don't have to worry about pulling back. I don't worry about feeling as though I'm a nuisance. I've realised there has been a lot of things where my ex has kind of made it hard for me to do stuff. I didn't realise how much he actually affected me until now but, slowly but surely I'm getting over it thanks to my partner. I really, really appreciate my boyfriend. He's done so much for me that I sometimes worry that I don't do enough for him. He's trying so hard to make this work and it honestly makes me so happy and loved, and I can't wait for him to come up again soon. I'll try my best to spoil him as much as he has spoiled me, because honestly? This guy deserves so much. And hopefully, I'll be able to give him as much as I can. Hey Brandon? I love you. โบ๏ธ๐ Melbourne 2018 Sunday, 9 December 2018 | 0 comment[s] I've been in Melbourne for the past few days and it's been a really nice break so far. First few days were a bit eh, due to parents yelling at me for reasons that just ??? don't?? really concern???? me????? Dad yelled at me on the first day 'cause I didn't call in when I landed. I mean, yeah? I get it but I was so sleepy I didn't even remember. Let me catch a break, man. I had went to a birthday dinner the night before so I was just tired in general. I wouldn't have remembered at all. But it's okay, I didn't let it get to me since I was already so out of it. Like, it got to the point that when my cousin ordered maccas for her siblings and I held onto the two cups of coke, I didn't notice that some of it had actually spilt onto me. It was only when I felt something wet against my hand that I realised. I was just so. Dead. LOL Then the next day my mum yelled at me because I had decided to go out by myself and she wanted me to finish off stuff for my sister. The stuff that she wanted me to finish was just sister's uni stuff, but the thing was that I was never told that I was meant to do it? She never said anything about it - about me doing it that is. Then my mum went off at me at the end of the day for going out by myself and not taking the siblings along with me, for taking my cousinโs car and driving, and for going out without asking my cousin for permission if I could go. I had a really nice day on that day so I didnโt let it get to me, luckily. Even though Iโm in a different state I clearly canโt catch a break from my parents. HAHAHAHA feels bad Aside from that they havenโt exactly yelled at me ever since. Which is a good thing, Iโm enjoying my trip so far. Except, I feel like my dad has been grinding our gears because he called my sister and was just lecturing her on how we should clean the sink and help out and stuff; we offer (well, my siblings offer since Iโve been coming home late...) but my cousin always kicks them out. Maybe I should just use the last day to just do chores LOL, actually yeah I might do that hmm hmm When crying turns into a sob fest Saturday, 1 December 2018 | 0 comment[s] I've recently realised that when I actually do cry it becomes a full on sob fest. Yesterday was just a bad day. I had no energy from the little sleep I managed to get - less than three hours and a two hour nap. Then I had work. I was meant to start at 6 but I got called in early for no reason whatsoever. My boss made it sound like it was busy and that it got to the point that one of my co workers has to go in and out to help. So I agreed - I needed the money anyways. But I got there. And it turns out that I wasn't needed. At. All. They had only had one take away order in the hour. Then she called in one of my other co workers to come in. She had originally planned for him to come in at 5 but he said he couldn't so she told him to come in at 5:30. The thing with this, is that he also was not needed. Sure, I understood later that it was to train him in the kitchen but what the fuck. At least ask us if we want to work in the kitchen. Sure, maybe we can help out if it's busy but if you're short hand then fucking find a new worker. Because I knew that my friend was just angry. He didn't want to come in. I had noticed during work that I had received a call from my grand aunt. And then another one a hour later. Then fucking three more calls half hour later after that. All she wanted me to do was pick up fried rice that no one asked for. I had no energy and all I wanted to do was go home, shower and rest. But no. I couldn't even do that because I had to fucking go out of my way to go to her house. She even called my sister to tell me. But my sister had told her that I was at work and that I couldn't get it. But she insisted and didn't even listen to my sister when she said that no one wanted it and that I'd be tired after work. I was just so mad. And tired. And had absolutely no energy to deal with the shit that I just. Broke down in the car. I fucking sobbed. I ended up having to stay in the car for an extra 20 minutes or so just to calm down and stop sniffling. My eyes were slightly swelled and red, my nose was red and even my breathing was quivering. I was just too tired. Though, I did want to mention a thank you to a certain someone who offered to call when I was just ugly sobbing lmao. I honestly wouldn't have been able to say a single thing and all they would've heard was just me sobbing. Although, if they had just straight up called me instead of asking, I would've picked up. Despite that, the gesture was what really mattered and it made me happy. So, thank you. I really appreciate it. I hate this fear. Thursday, 15 November 2018 | 0 comment[s] Who would've thought that three years later, I'm still traumatised over one small thing. I repeat, one small thing. It was you complaining to someone else about how I kept on insisting you go sleep early. And then after that you pretty much yelled at me. I never realised now but because of that I'm too scared to do anything. I'm scared of the rejection. And this is all because I cared about your health. It's gotten to the point where I try to steer my thoughts and be like, "They're old enough to look after themselves; I'm not their mother. I don't have a say in what they do." But really, it's because I'm too scared to do anything. I especially hate how it makes me feel. I'm already annoyed because of the fact that I'm still traumatised over this. And then when I tell people that I'd prefer it if they slept early but the choice is up to them, and yet when they choose to stay up, I get annoyed at them. Then I get more mad at myself for feeling that way. I enjoyed the times we had together and when I found out that I was a possible rebound, I didn't hate you. Even if I was a rebound, the times we had together were okay. But the one thing I do hate, is the fact that you did this to me. Instilled this fear that I can't seem to shake away. I hate it. I hate how just thinking about this is enough for me to just tear up and want to cry. I hate how there's this clenching in my chest. I hate this fucking fear I have. I just fucking hate... how pathetic I am... . Monday, 5 November 2018 | 0 comment[s] It seems that whenever I post something it always ends up being something related to romance. Something related to love. And mostly, it's normally when I was in pain. I thought I'd stop using this blog and just leave it as a thing of the past but it seems like I need to come back to it again. Yeah, sure, I have people I can talk to about these problems of mine but they feel so... so pointless. These issues. There problems. Can they even be called them? They're so insignificant. So minor. Yet I can't turn to someone about it because I don't want to bother them. And not only that, I don't know if I can actually trust some of the people who I've ranted to before. I'm just so... tired of finding out that another person knows about these feelings that I hold for this person. Especially because it means that they've found out through other means... through people who I've told. I believed that they wouldn't tell anyone and yeah, sure it must've accidentally slipped out but... Can I really trust them to not "accidentally slip" about my problems? Especially if they're of my emotions? Originally I was going to write about something but the more I typed the more I thought about it and it's just... worthless. I get too hung up on the minor details. I get too invested. I get too emotional. I think too much. I assume the worst of most situations. I get too clingy. I get jealous too easily. I just... want these sad feelings to go away so I can stop crying... ใใใใญ Tuesday, 28 March 2017 | 0 comment[s] To the person I once liked, I am really, really sorry. The day before you gave me the gift, I was full of doubt. I wanted to like you. I tried. I oh so hopelessly tried. And it worked! But only for a bit because I became hollow again. I lost the flame that I once held for you. I didn't know what to do; I stayed up until four in the morning seeking advice from friends who helped me come to the conclusion: I shouldn't lead you on if I wasn't sure about my feelings for you. ใใฉใใใใใใใใชใใใพใ ๅฅฝใ๏ผๅฎใฏใ็ฅใใชใใใๆ่ฟใญใใใชใใไปใๅใใใจใ่ใใใใฆใ้ ญใใใใใซใชใฃใใใงใใ็งใฎๅฟใฏไฝใๆใใใใจใฆใๆใใใ็งใใญใใใใซใชใฃใกใใฃใใจใใๆฌ็ฉ้ชๅฅณใใใ What do I do? Do I still like you? To be honest, I don't know. Lately, I've thought about the fact if I wanted to go out with you too much that my head started hurting. But my heart felt nothing. It's really scary. Did I become a robot? Or am I a true snow witch? On the day you gave me the gift, I honestly felt bad. I had planned to tell you what I had felt on a Sunday - just so that you didn't have to carry this emotional baggage into work, and that it would've given you time to settle yourself before you saw me again. After you gave it to me, and I accepted it (because I didn't work to hurt you nor embarrass you because of your auntie and our co-worker), I ended up telling you early. And I knew you were hurt because you "went to sleep" at around 11pm when your usual time was in fact at 1am. I know, because I had been observing you for the past month when I was genuinely still into you; you were somehow always in my vision. I asked you what you wanted me to do with the gift - whether you wanted to take it back and refund it or if you wanted me to keep it. I had asked my friends prior to this and they all told me to just give it back to you, letting you deal with it. I could've been that heartless, but because I still care for you as a friend, I couldn't. You told me to keep it, and so I did. When I opened it and researched the price for it, I could not believe the amount you had spent on me. It was much too expensive - something that I would've never bought for myself. I was shocked at first but then guilt flooded me all at once; I couldn't accept something like this without giving you anything in return - you had given me chocolate, roses and even a bear on Valentines, I wanted to get you something in return and so I did. I just hope you like it. ใใใฎ้ซใใฎใซใๅใๆปใใชใใฎ๏ผ๏ผใฉใใใฆ๏ผใใใ็ฅใใใใฐใๅใๅใใชใใใฐใใใใใใผ๏ผใจใซใใใใใชใใฎๅนธใใซใชใใพใใใใซใใ Despite it being this expensive, you won't take it back?! Why?! If I had known, it would've been better if I hadn't accepted it. Aaaahh. Anyways, I wish you happiness. I'll be honest with you, I do not know if what I did was the right move. Because after what happened you have been appearing in my dreams more frequently as of late - nearly every single night. And do you know what happens? I always have this clawing sensation in my chest. It really hurt and it really made me sad. But I think, another reason was because I kept on remembering the look you gave me when I accidentally saw you the following day. You gave me a half-hearted wave and a hurt smile before turning away. Do you know how much that stung? Considering you were enthusiastically waving and smiling brightly at my little sister? It hurt. But I knew it was something I had to put up with; I did the deed and so I have to prepare myself for the consequences. There have been times where I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't told you but that's nothing I can take back now. But I truly do wish for your happiness. I also pray that you aren't blaming yourself for this outcome; it was never you. It was always me for it started when I began overthinking things. I hope that one day, you'll find the girl who will make you so much more happier than I ever will. I began with an apology so I'll end with a thank you. Thank you liking me. Thank you spoiling me. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for trying your hardest despite me making it so difficult for you. Thank you for your dedication. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for always trying to make me smile. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for helping me when I needed it. And lastly, thank you, for allowing me to see that I still have the capacity to like someone again. Edit: The day we finally met after I told you my feelings and I have to say, it was not the most enjoyable thing possible. It got to the point that my chest and stomach started hurting, and I got called out by our co worker that I had a really depressing face and that I should smile more - I tried playing it off by saying that I was tired but I'm not too sure if I succeeded, haha. In all honesty, today I was so much more worried about you than I was of me - even if I accidentally cut myself with the eating knife. I kept on glancing at you because you kept on emitting this sad, hurt aura. It really hurt me to see you not smiling because you were always the type to smile. I really really hoped that it wasn't my fault you were like this but I can't deny the fact that I did think it was, because you kept on avoiding me. Honestly, I would've done the same thing so I knew it was just selfish of me to wish that you would've treated me the same as usual. I wanted to avoid you as much as possible because I didn't want to hurt you, so I kept our interactions as minimal as possible. But then, the time I gave you the bag you got really emotional and gave me this really wounded look. It looked like you were going to cry and to be honest, that made me really sad. It made me think, "ah, maybe I shouldn't have done this" because yes, it was selfish of me because I wanted to lessen the guilt I had clawing at me but also because I wanted to thank you for all that you've done for me. When I walked away I saw you go to the bathroom and then I heard a thump, and that thump sounded eerily like a punch to the wall so I knew that was you. I don't know why you did that but I genuinely hope that you didn't hurt yourself haha. And then when you came out, you went to the lower section of the restaurant, just aimlessly walking around. It looked like you were trying to sort your emotions. I hope you did haha. Edit 2: We finally had a proper talk! Well, to be honest, I just wanted to thank you for making my mood brighten. I was in the middle of a pool game when you messaged me that my handwriting was ugly and in all honesty, I cracked up. I couldn't help it. It just literally slipped passed my lips, and I couldn't help but smile. So thank you for that; it was probably the highlight of the day, getting told my handwriting was ugly. I know things are going to be hard for you specifically, in terms of you getting the brunt of the teasing and that you will feel uncomfortable with me around once in awhile and if you need space from me, just tell me. I'll respect it and move away. I have honestly thought of quitting just so that I could stop hurting you, but since you told me that you enjoyed working with me I decided not to, because I, too, enjoy working with you. I hope that we get to talk more like this. Because it actually makes me feel more connected to you, considering that we've never talked like this. It helped me get to know you more. It also gave me a chance to actually reveal my feelings a bit more, I guess. And even though I've done what I've done, I genuinely hope that we can still be friends. So, please, take your time and don't rush yourself. If you need space, tell me. I'll gladly step out of your life for a bit if you need me to. I've written it before but I'll say it again: I still care for you so please, smile. That's all I really want you to do to be honest. I don't care if you do end up hating me for what I've done as long as you're smiling. Then I'll be fine. Just smile. ใใใฃใใญใ Tuesday, 3 January 2017 | 0 comment[s] ๅคๅใใใ่ชฐใใใฎใใญใใฐใ่ชญใใ ใใใใใ็งใฏไฝใงใๆธใใใใจใใงใใใใญใ ใทใฃใณใๅผใใงใใใจใใฏในใธใ ๆฐๅฝผๅฅณใ่ฆใคใใฆใญใใใชใใฎๆใ่ฆใใใ็็ฑใ็ฅใใชใใใฉใญใๅฟใ็ใใใ ๅคๅใ ใ ใใชใใฏ็งใใๅฝผๅฅณใฎๆนใๅฅฝใใ ใฃใใไปใๅใฃใฆใใๆใฏใใใชใใฏ็งใซใใฃใใซๆใ่ฆใใใใใใคใณในใฟใผใจใในใซใคใใจใไฝใงใใใใชใใฏ็งใฎๅๅใใใชใใฎๆใๆธใใชใใฃใใ ใฉใใใฆใ ใใใ ๅฎใฏใๅคๅ็งใฏๅฝผๅฅณใ็พจใพใใใ็งใฏใใชใใๅฌใใใๆฌฒใใใฆใใใฎใใจใฎใใใซใใใชใใฎ็ๆดปใซ็งใใใใซใใชใใใฐใใใใฏๅคงไธๅคซใใๅฝผๅฅณใฎใใฐใใใซใใชใใฎๅนธใใ้กใฃใฆใใใใ #SleepyPhilosophy - 5. Love Saturday, 2 April 2016 | 0 comment[s] "What is love?" "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." (Dictionary.com) But what's the point of calling it "love" when so many people in this generation get it mixed up with the thing called "lust"? Awhile ago, my friend told me that she came to the conclusion that lust is just a crush, a short term eye candy that you want. Whereas love is something deeper, something more meaningful. You want to create a future with that person. It's something that you can feel deep in the pits of your body. It's like an exhilaration of emotions whenever you talk to them; it's that shock whenever you touch them; it's that smile on your face whenever you think about them; it's when your heart just swells with this bubbly feeling whenever you see their smile. That, in my opinion, is when you're in love. But really, no one really "feels love" at the very start of the relationship. It takes perhaps months for it to go from "innocent crush" to "passionate affection". At the beginning of the relationship you haven't developed anything major just yet. Yes, you've entered a commitment with someone but the thing is that you haven't fully determined if they'll turn... "crazy" on you. You've yet to fully find out who that person is. People do have certain standards and when they find out that their current partner doesn't have the qualities that they want then they just... STEREOTYPICALLY lose feelings. They just don't like certain aspects of them so they slowly losing that affection that they held dearly for them. If you truly love someone you'll accept them wholeheartedly. Flaws and all. Perhaps there will be certain flaws that you can't accept and that's acceptable. That's okay. It's human to dislike things. But if you claim to stop liking a person just because you don't like certain aspects of them... Then you're not in love. Instead of losing feelings maybe you could've reminded them or reprimanded them that what they're doing is bad. Talk to them. Communication is a vital and the key to a healthy relationship. Just wholeheartedly accepting everything won't allow the relationship to progress and become stronger. It'll just become a standstill where you're just circling the experiences over and over again. In my opinion, relationships are there to help you grow and develop into a better person. That's why you need to be able to have those necessary fights no matter how awful they are - because those are the things that help us grow. So basically love is something that we fundamentally need because that is something that makes us human. For each and every person, they interpret it differently so perhaps, their vision of "love" is something different altogether. All I can say is that "love" is something we should all strive to find one day in our lives.
Requested by Mr. K.
#SleepyPhilosophy - 4. Family Saturday, 26 March 2016 | 0 comment[s] "What's the important thing to have in a family?" For every individual they have a different definition of family and as a result the "most important thing" is different for everyone. It could be trust, belonging, commitment, bonds, help. From what I've been told having trust is the most important thing to have. Because with trust everything else runs much more smoothly. With trust the members of the "family" can believe in each other. Because we "trust" each other, we don't need to worry about what the other would do. We're not anxious because we "trust" them. We "trust" them to make us feel like we belong - like they're part of our family. But what if they broke that trust? Without thinking much of what they did the just... Broke it? It's like, figuratively, the wall that you had put up to keep people out - the wall that you had taken down specifically for them, was stomped on. All of a sudden you don't know what to do. This person you thought of as a family member were to suddenly turn your back on you, what do you do then? The thing is that people nowadays trust people too easily and as a result, when someone betrays them they develop what we call "trust issue". I'm not saying that it's wrong to trust people too easily but the thing is, in MY opinion, the whole "family" category that we put our friends in... Shouldn't be asked for. They should earn it. Like, there's no point in asking, "Oh, do you want to be part of the family?" There's really no reason in it. Because for one, if you're being asked to be "put into a family" you're joining your friend's circle of friends. Perhaps there's someone in there that you don't exactly get along with and you had intended to stay away from them but because you "accepted" to be "put into a family" you're now "family" with them. And then because of that you don't exactly know them too well - you don't know how they'd act or what they'd do. Sure you could "put them before you" but you don't know if they'd do the same for you. That's the issue with asking people for permission to be a "family". It's better off to just let it happen naturally. That way you'll get to know the person who you want to be part of your "family" and you'll just automatically connect. I'm just saying that in MY opinion, people shouldn't be too caught up with the family ordeal. Yeah, I know that people take things kind of things seriously - especially people who cherish bonds. And I get that. I understand that those kind of things makes them happy. But I'm just thinking that maybe, just maybe, don't do things with your heart on your sleeve because all that does is get hurt. I'm probably being biased 'cause of my past experience but with time, those kind of pain eventually fade away and you'll find new people as long as you choose to open up. There's no point in dwelling in the past. Just let it go.
Requested by Mr. K and Mr. EK.
#SleepyPhilosophy - 3. Lost Love Saturday, 19 March 2016 | 0 comment[s] "Why do people want to go back to a relationship that they ended?" At first (normally for guys) it's because they miss that lack of support that was there. For guys, having a girl by their side is like an anchor for them. They support them, encouraged them and was always there at the end of the day if the boys ever needed someone to go to. And once that girl is gone all that's left is just emptiness. A certain void - the lack of having someone who understood yet never judged them. So when guys want to get back into a relationship that they once lost it's stereotypically because they just want someone to be there for them again. Because it's apparently "gay" to rant their feelings to other guys so the only choice is to turn to a girl. But boys have this mind set to keep cool and independent (usually) so they won't do it to just anyone. Only to their girl but what if their girl is gone? Then they want her back because they just want to fill in that emptiness. Likewise, when it's the girl who wants to get back it's generally something similar to what guys want. But they miss the comfort instead, the love that they received, the special treatment that they got. They want to fill that loneliness that they could only a partner could give. They want to create more memories together with the partner - because if it's one thing that a girl treasures (as long as they have a clean break up without any poisonous feelings) then it's the memories. The time and effort that they've given to someone is irreplaceable. But overall, there could be other factors that could contribute in wanting a past lover back. And that, is something that we, as a human, cannot control. Especially our emotions. And heart.
Requested by Mr. K.
#SleepyPhilosophy - 2. Void Wednesday, 9 March 2016 | 0 comment[s] How do people deal with the emptiness inside them? Alright. I have some friends who I'd like to write this post for. Mr. E.K and Mr. D who doesn't blog anymore and just left his own blog quite dead. First of all when we lose something we have this emptiness inside of us - something that used to be filled with whatever that we lost. May it be love, trust or respect. It's mainly love so I'll focus on that in this case. Sure you can do many things to fill up that void. You can go around making girls fall for you left and right, filling up that hole only temporarily only to lose it all over again when you're done playing around. That void inside you just can't be filled up by something that can be easily lost. Things that we place within ourselves are generally things that are genuine and hard to acquire. It's like trying to fix a brick wall with wooden planks. What's the point of doing that if the enemy can easily charge straight through? I won't say that time won't heal it but it will close it only just a bit. Do you know why? Because during those times you would've gained new experiences, made new memories with friends, discovered new hobbies. All these things that can contribute into closing that gap. Sure you can find other things to temporarily close it but what's the point if it reopens again? That's the problem with temporary solutions. They only last for so long whereas memories and experiences are things that are usually kept for a long time (unless you forget easily then I can't help you with that sadly). Now, what's the point of trying to fill that gap inside of you if what you're doing is only making it hurt even more? There's no point. You're just doubling your pain. All I can say is stop because the love you want isn't just there. You'll need to accept it and move on. It'll be hard like hell (it always will be) but that strengthens your heart. There's honestly no point in doing whatever you're doing to fill up that abyss if it's just causing more pain 'cause it'll also affect not only your mental state but also your physical state. The pain makes us not want to eat. It'll make our body weaker. Although the brain and body says "yes, we need this" the heart says no because whenever you're in pain it's generally the heart that takes the brute of it. All I can really say is to find things to not temporarily fill the WHOLE void up but things that will permanently close it - just by a slither is fine. And if it hurts then stop. There's no point in hurting you even more. It'll hurt now but gradually over time you will make it as "there's always light at the end of the tunnel". #SleepyPhilosophy - 1. People Sunday, 28 February 2016 | 0 comment[s] "What if people could understand each other?" You know, it would be nice if people could understand each other. If they did then we wouldn't have to deal with all the misunderstandings; we wouldn't have to fight; we wouldn't have to hurt others; the suicide rate would be so much more lower. If people could then discrimination wouldn't happen. But we can't because that's how society is. In order to make one feel better of themselves they usually put another one down. All this fighting is utter nonsense if they serve no purpose. For example, what's the point of making all this stuff up just because you don't want that person to come along? Just be straight up about it and the latter party can try to be understanding. Things like that serve no purpose because not only are you making the other party look bad, you're unknowingly giving yourself a bad name once people find out that what all you said was utter lies. There's just no point in doing that. It would be so much more lovely if people could understand each other. Then they would know if there's a certain line they must not cross โ resulting in less anger-filled world. I won't say that anger will be gone but it will be subsided. There wouldn't be as much grudges as there are now. If people they could understand each other than there would be less people on the streets - people would be more giving. They'd understand what would happen. Maybe they could be: "Oh, I understand that you couldn't do anything about being unemployed. I understand that it's hard to do the things you want if you're living off others' scraps. Oh, here's some money to help make your life a bit easier." Sparing a bit of money isn't hard to do. Maybe just a dollar or two can buy them a meal. If people could understand each other then they would know how hard it would be to living on the streets, under perhaps a park bench with everyone else looking down their noses at you. If you want faith to be restored in humanity then maybe it should begin with you. But then again, if you think about it. How do relationships grow? It's through fighting and then reaching a mutual understanding where one's relationship will become stronger. Because if you fight then sure, it'll seem like a painful thing but the end result is that your relationship will be better as a result since you'll know that person better. Fights are where people can get a better look at the other at a deeper level. Fighting has two outcomes: for the better or for the worst. Let me take couples for example. They can fight and fight but what's the point of fighting if their relationship doesn't grow? What's the point if they don't reach a consensus? If they just fight without any solid result then they're just hurting themselves. Result? They split, looking for other people to give their heart to. But that's for the worst. If they fought and reached an agreement then their bond will grow. And who knows, maybe it'll reach the point where they'll tie the knot. And from my point of view, personally? Fighting is necessary in order to keep a relationship strong, stable and not... "tedious" in some cases. So don't fight for no reason but fight when it's necessary. It's okay to be understanding and accepting but if you do it all the time... It'll just be the same repeat over and over again.
Suggested by Mr. K.
#SleepyPhilosophy Saturday, 20 February 2016 | 0 comment[s] Alrightiooooo. So I got suggested to do this thing where I post deep stuff on my blog and while I was giving advice to my friend, I was quite sleepy so I came up with that headline HAHAHAHA So starting from now I'll post some "deep" stuff once a week or something like depending if I get any prompts because well, I can't type on the whim. I need a reason otherwise my brain doesn't function quite well. So if you have any suggestions just comment in that box towards your left... Yeah, that blue one right there, and I'll check it and I'll post something in relation to it. :) But in other news, this new template took me two-three hours to finish. Well, three but I took a shower so it's two HAHAHA. But seriously, I need help. I've dug a hole too deep for this person. Even surgery at this rate won't be able to save me. HAHAHAHA Much love for him <3 ๅนธใ // 2015 Thursday, 18 February 2016 | 0 comment[s] Happiness. // 2015
So like, hey. It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here really. I felt like updating today to be honest but then again... By "today" it'll just end up being updating bits and pieces then posting the post days, weeks if not months later. HAHAHAHA. Oh wells, it's a bad habit you should be able to recognise now. (ใปฯใป)ใ
Firstly, let's start off with a summary of term one. Despite it only being one term, it was flat out hectic! I think it was the second week of school? But we had swimming carnival. For that day I wore my incomplete Meiko costume and because I forgot my belt, I couldn't adjust the height of my skirt. :( It honestly was too high for my liking but luckily, I had bike shorts 'cause I got told a week later I think, that it was really up high. LOL.
School photos in the same week. It's funny because it's the last year so people would normally think that I'd try harder for the school photos. Heh, funny joke I got so lazy so I just tied it up and left it like that and took a really messy photo. But then again, we had really bad photographers this year so yeah LMFAO.
There was Valentines' Day next. It was so busy selling roses. I eventually lost majority of my break selling and thus didn't get to eat much really. However, it was all worth it when we sold nearly all of it. :) The process of wrapping them up, sorting them out as well were extremely stressful! But we eventually finished, two hours at least faster than the previous year which I personally think was a huge achievement considering it only took us four hours!! So good! Good job to everyone who was there but like everyone else has said: Shout out to my little sister for wrapping up approximately 400 roses! Little does she know, and I may not show it, but I'm proud of this little one. Especially with her achievements and all. :')
Leaders' Retreat happened and I must say, I do somewhat regret it considering that I missed out on two days of school. Considering that the Thursday consists of all my core subjects of Maths B, Chemistry, English and Maths A. D: It didn't help that I also missed out on Friday's maths b either. I had to really catch up. And the funny thing was that I am pretty sure that I am the only one out of the whole leaders' retreat who brought homework to camp. HAHAHAHAHA. But hey, it was interesting to know that I was the only one cooped up in their room for half the time trying to rewrite notes for Chemistry. LOLOL. Then again... I kind of wanted to play pool... :( But we did do a lot of activities at the retreat and they were really cool! Took a whole bunch of photos with the girls in my cabin through Phuong-Uyen's camera (holy crap dude. I am in so much LMFAO). She like, took one of me in the process of tying up my hair and to be frank... It's kind of embarrassing really. Because like, I guess it's because you can see my outline? LOL. I dunno, I just get embarrassed to those type of things yet I don't get embarrassed from flashing people. Oh gees, something is most definitely wrong with me. LOL. But all in all, I made friends with my two favourite girls in grade eight: Lili and Yifei!! They're two such cutie patooties. Seriously. The food there was alright really, sometimes better than I expected, sometimes worse than I expected. Oh, there was a time where I was jumping up and down 'cause I was feeling bloated right? Next thing I know it, I had a whole line following suit. So weird yet strangely hilarious. :') At night when we were meant to all sleep... We didn't sleep. LOL. The girls in my cabin started a deep and meaningful conversation circle and I must say, it really did get emotional. Haha. I told them about my past relationship 'cause I guess I kind of wanted to see if I could get it off my chest if I could say it out loud... And it helped, despite it leaving me somewhat choking at the end. HAHAHA. But one of the girls were like "But that's in the past right? Do you like someone now?" My response... "To be honest, I think I do..." But thinking about it now, I was in that phase where I really did have a thing for him. Totemo hazukashii desu. But it's true. 'Cause I couldn't not stop talking to him at the retreat until 12 and I had to force myself to go to sleep. HAHAHAHA. Embarrassingly, I went to sleep with a smile that night. :$ But during the retreat, it was raining quite heavily to the point that we were at risk of getting flooded so we had to go home about a hour earlier than usual. We got back, and I crashed my Japanese class. Literally jumped onto the window and went: "HI GUYSSSS!" HAHAHAHAHA. SCARED THEM SO BAD :D. Was so much fun. And then it was home time. Oh, I kinda teased my crush at the time after school and was like: "Where's my welcome back hug huh?" His response: "I would've, except your mum was there." Made me smile. Hehe. :3 But yeaaahhhh. All in all, I don't regret going to the Leaders' Retreat, I just wished that they had put it at a better time considering it was in the middle of term. :(
The following event that I'm going to describe now is something that I'm going to hold really dear to me so it gets its very own paragraph hehe. So basically: 27 February, it was Tet. Normally I wouldn't expect much but I this year I hung out with a couple of friends (we went on rides and stuff) before I eventually ditched them. :') Sorry guys. The reason why I ditched them was because of my crush. I kind of forced him to come sooooo... HAHAHA. :$ Umm, so basically we hung out after he went to go buy me a drink (he took my joke seriously when I kidding about buying me a drink, such a gentlemen). He even accompanied me around, and tried forcing me to eat. HAHAHA, omg, I made him feel so bloated HAHAHAHAHA. This is embarrassing to admit but I'm legitimately smiling so fondly at the memory right now. :$ Like, I remember teasing him about something and then he tried chasing after me while I ran around a group of friends of mine (we happened to bump into each other at the time). He didn't catch me though so. :3 HAHAHAHA. But yeah, he even accompanied me when I had to go back to meet up with my parents! (To the person who knows what I'm talking about, I'm actually so sorry for ditching you and making you stand alone at the time. D:) When I finished with meeting up with my parents I went back to him and started teasing him over something. I think this was after I met up with one of my other friends again. But I started teasing him again before he started tackling me and back hugging me. At this point, I was squealing and laughing and smiling. Then my crush goes: "I was actually waiting to do this on my birthday but, will you go out with me?" Before I could even say anything, one of my classmate comes and kills the vibe instantly. HAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG, SO FUNNY BUT EMBARRASSING AS. HAHAHAHA. "Is she your little birdie?" He says. Omg. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. But nonetheless I said yes! So I was really happy for the rest of the night hehe. When it was time for me to go, he hugged me and actually tried picking me up! I was in a dress at the time so I said "please don't". To be honest, I probably wouldn't have let him try either way since I was so self-conscious about my weight and size at the time so yeah. :p 27/02. <3 So my school held an excursion to go see "Wicked" the musical and it was sooooo good! I swear to god I can just imagine the two main characters as Linh and Mimi. Not even kidding. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I like, wore my black dress and black boots... Only because one of my friend told me to wear it since she said she was gonna be the only one wearing a dress. Later, I found out that there was more. LOL. Oh, I applied make up for the first time EVER. And it took a hella long time. Man, I don't know how other girls can do this for so long. LOL. Funny thing is it wasn't even noticeable unless you look really close. :D We bought food and wth, it's so expensive i'm not even kidding. Four dollars for a bottle of water and seven dollars for a salad... that didn't even taste good at all. It was so plain and dry. T_T Like, the group of friends I was sitting with decided to mix it all up with something else, I think it was the dipping sauce and then they dared me to eat it. I did... And it tasted so weird. HAHAHA But despite the food tasting so bad, the night overall was pretty good. :) Then there were the exams and assessments holy snap. I don't even want to talk about those. Like, I had to take exams during the middle of another lesson and I got so stressed over music it isn't even funny. :c ----------- I would love to edit this but eh. Not bothered to post a year worth of stuff. It would be nice to have something to remember it by so I'll keep them simplified 'cause blogger doesn't accept long posts it would seem. :') And well, to be frank I can't remember them at all so I'm just basing it off my instagram photos HAHAHAHA On going term 1: - Outing with Ha, Thao, Tammy, Annie and Peter. Originally for formal which didn't happen. Karaoke where Thao lost her voice and I truly enjoyed the time with him. Lost my first kiss to him on the bus. Funny how it was only on half of my lips because I reacted weirdly (he grabbed my face) LOL. Was fun though - Got a new family member. Tofu the cat. Just imagine a slightly torched tofu. Yeah, that's her colour. Term two: - Had a UQ Japanese excursion. Sad moment how I was the only one in Corinda who was separated. I was by myself in a group of strangers. LOL. Had an activity where we could've came first but lost by a few minutes sadly. :( But it was eventful! - My wonderful English teacher got married! I prepared a little gift for her to which I hope she liked. It was a canvas with a painted ring (credits to me but credits to original artist since I copied it), "congratulations!" on the bottom and just words of congratulations all around it from our english class. Looking back at it now, it was a truly cute thing. - Athletics Day! Nearly ALL the captains dressed up and it was absolutely amazing. I went in my maid costume which was white - the colour for Moori. And it was funny because there were some teachers who were dissing me. "Is that really appropriate?" Umm. Miss? Please do that when I'm out of earshot thanks. :) - I got my Ls a day before the price went up so thank god. HAHAHA. But well, right now (six months+ later) I've only got two and a half hours so that isn't really good. :/ - Went out to celebrate Suzanne's birthday three days early. Out with Hannah, Eddy, Annie, Annie (Suzanne's cousin), Peter, Suzanne and another of Suzanne's cousin to who I forgot her name. Jessica was it? It was fun despite having to leave early. I got so mad at my dad for cutting my fun time short just because he wanted to go fishing. Lol. Still hate it when he thinks he can just my life for his means to be honest but eh. Nothing I can do about it. And thinking about it now, I guess I was hurt that Peter would leave me to go home by myself though. Lolol. Meh - Captains meeting at Hello Squirrel owned by one of my ex teachers: Mr Cullen. The food there is actually sooooooo goooooood! 11/10 would go back. We had a lot of planning done then so I was satisfied. On that day, I took out my siblings, cousin and brother's friends too and they just hung around in the city until I was finished. I just hope that they had fun though. From what I remember, we also watched a movie? Forgot what it was though but I swear it was good LOL Term three: - We got our senior jerseys! Got a picture with the other Vivian and Vi and we became the trio! Despite not hanging out at all with these two girls I really enjoyed calling them fellow triplets. You have to admit though, it was cool to see our jersey's name all next to each other. "VI NGUYEN | VIVIAN | TRAM-NGUYEN" It seriously looked so good. Hehe - Went to Creative Generation to support one of my classmates and then it turned out that one of my ex classmate who moved to another school was also one of the featured artists! I was sooooo proud! And the show was unexpected good too so I was happy and I don't regret going. - I had my first ever buddy to whom I must thank for. Thank you, Tsugumi-chan, for helping me build up my confidence by being your buddy. Thank you for cheerfulness, your smile and your adorable cluelessness. One day, I will go back to Nigata to meet you again. I'll try my best to. And while I'm at it, I'll probably visit my old host family too. - Movie night was so good! Although I did wish Peter was there and I do wish I should've expressed my annoyance at him for not going instead of just accepting it and saying it was okay but it's okay now. Lesson learnt. Funny how he said that he was scared that our leniency would ruin the relationship to which it did. This guy can predict the future. HAHAHA. Oh wells. I bought quite a lot of snacks to which we didn't even eat all of it. So I just brought it home and shared it with the family. - THEN THE FATEFUL DAY CAME. The day Peter broke up with me. Three days before our six months. So it ended on the 24 August. Heh, August. Reason why I don't like that month anymore despite it being my birth month. But eh, you can figure out what happened on from there. - Got my braces off! Yes! After two years, it felt soooooo good. HAHAHA And my smile in that photo's actually pretty good so heh. Term four: - I had another buddy: My Thai buddy, Paul or Pupha. Only reason I got another buddy was because no one in my class volunteered and my friend volunteered for me instead HAHAHA I don't mind it honestly but he's such a hard worker it's a pity that I can't help him that much. But he's surprising so good at maths - and the reason why is because they don't use calculators so I'm like "holy crap" HAHAHA - Multicultural night! I have a post about it but it doesn't expand and let's just say that despite technical difficulties we managed to finish on the exact time I predicted so that was hilarious. HAHAHA Everyone did an amazing job and I'm really proud of them. May it be the performers, food suppliers or helpers. It wouldn't have happened without the effort that they put in so I'm happy. - And then formal and graduation! To which you probably already all know about heh. Well. That pretty much sums up 2015 in one way or another LOL. Graduation Friday, 20 November 2015 | 0 comment[s] I'm gonna keep this post short because there really isn't much to say. So without further ado... I've finally graduated! I guess the feeling hasn't really hit me because I still feel neutral about it. ._. Or then again, it's probably because I cut majority of my emotions. Hmm. Who knows. Not feeling as much as I should be. Oh wells. I'll probably feel it soon, I hope. Because I really don't want to be emotionless for long but then again, I want to be like this until I forget about him - so that I can get over him. I'm just done. I've heard all these things about him - about what he thinks about me so I'm just done. I'm over it. I just want to get rid of these damn feelings that I can't seem to let go. So my only solution was to just cut them off. But I graduated and I'm good. First thing I did when I got home was house chores. Like, who the heck does house chores just when they graduate? What. But yeah. Pretty much all I did aside from the constant graduation updates on Facebook. Looool. Welp, it's time for me to sleep considering that I have an outing tomorrow. Let's just hope that I'm lively so that these girls don't catch on. They have enough on their plates as it is. They don't need more. Formal Monday, 16 November 2015 | 0 comment[s] Formal was such a blast! I really enjoyed the night and tried to make the most of it, dancing about six times out of seven HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, my heels almost broke off. Whoopty doo. I tried to take as many photos as I could but my ankle started to hurt - in all honesty I forgot about my sprained ankle. HAHAHAHAHA. I wonder how that's going to turn out. But a big shout out to all the people who came. The guys looked sleek as hell and the girls were down right gorgeous! It was really nice to see different sides of people... That I didn't even seem to recognise myself when I had my make up and hair done HAHAHAHA. Oh wells. And also, a shout out to Timmy for driving me everywhere HAHAHAHA I'M SO SORRY I MADE YOU WAIT AN EXTRA HOUR BECAUSE MY APPOINTMENT TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED :( On the note of apologising, I'm sorry Kelvin, for not being able to make it to the pre we had planned. I felt so bad that I made you wait for an hour and I didn't even show up 'cause by the time I managed to contact you, you had already left :( I'm so sorry dude. And also Phu, I'm sorry for running away with your jacket when the formal first started HAHAHAHA. I felt like a damn child with your jacket when you lent me it - thanks by the way. I took photos with a quite a lot of people in my opinion but then again, it wasn't enough :( Just a pity I couldn't take some with some people. Like, I swear I'm missing some with some people :( Oh wells. Thanks to Mimi, I did somewhat achieve my goal of taking a photo with Peter... even though he looks awkward as hell and walked off straight afterwards. He looked so damn hot on the night. Not even kidding. But when I found out that he had been drinking at the after party... Yeah that put me off straight away HAHAHAHA Oh wells. But yeah, in all honesty, one of my main goals of the night was to make him regret breaking up with me - just for one night was fine with me. Even though I don't know if I achieved that goal or not but I'm pretty sure... I kind of agonised him enough so I'm fine with that HAHAHAHA. There was like a video that Mrs Grant put together and I remember one of the teachers telling us that "Life isn't rehearsal so just do it." I kind of... Took that and put it to use because there was a period of time where I got fed up with Peter ignoring me so while he was sitting alone I took that chance to sit with him. Even then he was ignoring/avoiding me so I told him that I was going back to my table but before I did... I kissed him on the temple and told him "That's for avoiding me" before walking off HAHAHAHA. At the time I was happy and satisfied that I actually did something I don't normally do, ever - I went to go dance in a rave sort of way so I'm like eeeeh. HAAHAHAHA But now, I found out that he apparently had a date? If it was true then shit. Right now, my heart hurts like fuck. HAHAHAHA I FEEL LIKE CRYING AGAIN DAMN IT. Good thing I'm in a call with a friend who needs help with his English otherwise I would probably, maybe, cry. HAHAHAHA. This heart of mine is throbbing so much that it hurts. And for some reason, this song... Really hits me in the heart so it only makes things worse... HAHAHAHA. Yeah, I'm in real pain. HAHAHAHA. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKP32twDcvU And you know what's funny? Looking at the photo we took together and comparing it to the other ones - even the one with his previous ex, he seems to be smiling a lot more than the ones with me - I don't even know if he was smiling with the photo that we took. HAHAHA Well... Yeah... Before I start bashing myself up even more I'm just gonna end it this post haha. I guess I'm glad, I'm feeling all of this shit now instead of last night because it would've utterly just ruined the night for me. One way or another, it was a night to remember. Hey Peter, Thanks for taking the photo with me even though you look awkward as hell and just ran away from me afterwards. I will admit that you looked so fucking hot last night but... I'm just a bit disappointed that you were drinking at the after party when you told me that you were going to wait until you were legal to do so... If you did have a date, someone new then... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for kissing you. If I had known then I wouldn't have done it. You honestly don't know how much guilt I'm feeling right now haha. Maybe... If only I stopped myself from doing what I did then I wouldn't be in such a situation that filled me with regret. Even though it won't stop this dull ache at the thought of you having someone new, but it'll at least stop this sense of guilt. And I'm sorry. Sorry for still being in love with you. Sorry for having this one-sided love. I'm so sorry. Effort Thursday, 12 November 2015 | 0 comment[s] So I sent him a message the night before his IPT exam, wishing him good luck. I honestly don't know what happened but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I guess... I'm trying to change things one way or another. About a term ago, I wrote these little quotes on my friend's planner and one of them was: "Take action for the things you want to happen". I could've used that during our dating period 'cause there was some things I guess I wanted to happen but just didn't because one, my timing was bad and two, I guess I just didn't have the guts to do them. I know I said that I was going to stay out of his life because it seemed as though that was something he wanted me to do but I also said that I wanted to sort things out. So in order to do that I guess I'm just trying to ease into it one way or another - just show him that I still care. But yesterday... I realised something. I thought that I had given up on him but when I was looking through a profile on instagram all I could think of was him. Like this image here popped up and the first thing I thought of was "Too bad. That could've been us hey, Peter?" 
But when I was looking through these photos my heart just throbbed. It hurt. I really miss him y'know? Yeah, I've accepted the fact that we've broken up. Yes, I know that it's near impossible of us ever getting back together. But I guess... I just really loved him that much haha.
 Vents Sunday, 8 November 2015 | 0 comment[s] Now that I think about it.. I like the whole "vent" concept. Vents are what we use to ventilate our rooms - to make them seem fresher. We use the term "vent" when we want someone to talk about their problems because do you know what that does? It unloads the burdens that they have in their hearts. And right now, that's what I'm doing with a friend. I'm letting them ventilate all their feelings onto me. But even though I'm glad I'm able to help them just a little bit... It hurts.
I've got this dull throb right now. And it hurts so much. Because what they're sending me, is hitting me straight home in the feels. I can partially relate to it. I'm linking him to it. It's making me thing of him and it's making me miss him so much.
I still think of him every day. Like honestly. Even yesterday during the time period of studying for our chemistry exam. His group was studying nearby so I came by and wanted to see what they were studying. Every now and then I couldn't help but glance at him but when I did, I saw him looking away so it kind of made me sad. :( I still want to at least try to smile at hime but I can't do it if he keeps on looking away from me. I just hope it won't be too awkward if we're forced to dance together during dance rehearsals...
 ๅฎใฏใใใใจใฆใๅฏใใใงใใใใใ Wednesday, 21 October 2015 | 0 comment[s] A bad dream happened today. Well, it was more of a memory combined inside a dream. And the mere fact that it was a memory bloody hurt. Because you know what's worse? Is the fact that nowadays, I've disciplined myself to stop self-pitying myself, to stop the self-loathe that's been happening ever since the break up and in all honesty, it's slowly starting to work. Yes, I did feel happy last Friday. I smiled. And it was because of him. Before you start saying it's stupid and what not, I'm just gonna let you know now it was because I noticed him using the earphones that I gave him for our would-be six months. I seriously thought that he would've just put it up somewhere and stored it; that's what I've done with all the notes that I've written to him and planned to give to him on our one year anniversary. Haha. Sometimes, I wonder if he still thinks about me. Despite the painful fact that we've drifted and have become nothing more than strangers I still know him pretty well. To the point that I called it when I told a friend that he would sit on their side of the table and nowhere near mine. HAHAHAHA. I've noticed that he's started swearing a lot - and my conclusion was that it was his way of coping. Even though it greatly annoys me I can't do anything about it because I've made that decision to try to stay out of his life. Even though the want to take photos together at formal still lingers quite strongly, I'm actually quite scared about it. It would be weird to ask considering the fact that we don't even talk anymore. Even more so... I'm scared if he'll say no. Haha.. Even though I know that he most likely won't, judging from what I know of him... as long as he hasn't changed that is. Really, I'm typing all of this out because of this damn photo: http://9gag.com/gag/apB87yE?ref=fbp I could not stop the sharp pain that had once turned into a dull throb. ---- And I thought yesterday was going to be a bad day... I thought dnms were meant to help... But instead, I'm missing him all over again. It hurts so damn bad. Because in some senses, I found out what he thought of me after we broke up and it really hurt. It really made me sad. I honestly wanted to talk to him and sort things out but I can't. I don't know how I can deal with it, I don't know how I'm going to approach him. Like, it already takes so much to prepare myself whenever he's around. And whenever I do, he ends up pretending to do something or looking away. In all honesty, right now. I'm trying to discipline myself, teach myself to learn how to smile at him instead of instinctively looking away. I know it's a stupid thing to do, to force oneself to do so but I know me (well, kind of), and I know that I won't be able to face it if I keep running away so I'm trying to keep myself from doing so. And it hurts. Because thinking about it now, after the whole break up ordeal... He and I.. We've begun doing similar things. Well, we've reacted in a similar sense. I think... What I'm gonna do is approach him and try to talk things out instead of leaving them the way they are... Not face to face because I won't be able to think clearly nor would I be able to face him just yet. Most likely online but... I really can't deal with it anymore.. All of this avoiding one and each other, this instinct to avoid each other's eyes, just everything that's made us become strangers. It all just fucking sucks. And I hate it, I HATE it so god damn much.  |
