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ๅฎใฏใใใใจใฆใๅฏใใใงใใใใใ Wednesday, 21 October 2015 | 0 comment[s] A bad dream happened today. Well, it was more of a memory combined inside a dream. And the mere fact that it was a memory bloody hurt. Because you know what's worse? Is the fact that nowadays, I've disciplined myself to stop self-pitying myself, to stop the self-loathe that's been happening ever since the break up and in all honesty, it's slowly starting to work. Yes, I did feel happy last Friday. I smiled. And it was because of him. Before you start saying it's stupid and what not, I'm just gonna let you know now it was because I noticed him using the earphones that I gave him for our would-be six months. I seriously thought that he would've just put it up somewhere and stored it; that's what I've done with all the notes that I've written to him and planned to give to him on our one year anniversary. Haha. Sometimes, I wonder if he still thinks about me. Despite the painful fact that we've drifted and have become nothing more than strangers I still know him pretty well. To the point that I called it when I told a friend that he would sit on their side of the table and nowhere near mine. HAHAHAHA. I've noticed that he's started swearing a lot - and my conclusion was that it was his way of coping. Even though it greatly annoys me I can't do anything about it because I've made that decision to try to stay out of his life. Even though the want to take photos together at formal still lingers quite strongly, I'm actually quite scared about it. It would be weird to ask considering the fact that we don't even talk anymore. Even more so... I'm scared if he'll say no. Haha.. Even though I know that he most likely won't, judging from what I know of him... as long as he hasn't changed that is. Really, I'm typing all of this out because of this damn photo: http://9gag.com/gag/apB87yE?ref=fbp I could not stop the sharp pain that had once turned into a dull throb. ---- And I thought yesterday was going to be a bad day... I thought dnms were meant to help... But instead, I'm missing him all over again. It hurts so damn bad. Because in some senses, I found out what he thought of me after we broke up and it really hurt. It really made me sad. I honestly wanted to talk to him and sort things out but I can't. I don't know how I can deal with it, I don't know how I'm going to approach him. Like, it already takes so much to prepare myself whenever he's around. And whenever I do, he ends up pretending to do something or looking away. In all honesty, right now. I'm trying to discipline myself, teach myself to learn how to smile at him instead of instinctively looking away. I know it's a stupid thing to do, to force oneself to do so but I know me (well, kind of), and I know that I won't be able to face it if I keep running away so I'm trying to keep myself from doing so. And it hurts. Because thinking about it now, after the whole break up ordeal... He and I.. We've begun doing similar things. Well, we've reacted in a similar sense. I think... What I'm gonna do is approach him and try to talk things out instead of leaving them the way they are... Not face to face because I won't be able to think clearly nor would I be able to face him just yet. Most likely online but... I really can't deal with it anymore.. All of this avoiding one and each other, this instinct to avoid each other's eyes, just everything that's made us become strangers. It all just fucking sucks. And I hate it, I HATE it so god damn much.  |
