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Sixth of December โค๏ธ Thursday 10 January 2019 | 0 comment[s] I knew long distance was going to be painful but I didn't think it would be this painful. I get these throbbing in my chest when I start missing him and it just hurts. I miss him. I miss his hands. I miss his warmth. I miss him being in my arms. I miss the feeling of having his arms around me. I miss his head pats. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his kisses. I just really miss him. During these two months so much has happened and my affection for this guy has just, grown. While I was overseas we'd call really often. It got to the point where I am so attached to his voice. We also video called too and it was honestly really nice. Being able to see him made me happy and smile a lot, especially if I could see his reaction when I'm teasing him HAHAHA And recently he interacted with some of my little cousins and it honestly made my heart swell up. He is so incredibly cute. He humoured them with their jokes and teases and it was so pure and sweet. He has been there for me when I've been constantly complaining about the person who I went on the exchange with. He's made me feel so special. He constantly gives me butterflies and fuzzes (to the point where I want to cry) - yes, even up to this day. He makes my fears go away. He makes me feel loved. He actually respects me. He doesn't make me feel as though I'm alone. I don't have to worry about pulling back. I don't worry about feeling as though I'm a nuisance. I've realised there has been a lot of things where my ex has kind of made it hard for me to do stuff. I didn't realise how much he actually affected me until now but, slowly but surely I'm getting over it thanks to my partner. I really, really appreciate my boyfriend. He's done so much for me that I sometimes worry that I don't do enough for him. He's trying so hard to make this work and it honestly makes me so happy and loved, and I can't wait for him to come up again soon. I'll try my best to spoil him as much as he has spoiled me, because honestly? This guy deserves so much. And hopefully, I'll be able to give him as much as I can. Hey Brandon? I love you. โบ๏ธ๐ Melbourne 2018 Sunday 9 December 2018 | 0 comment[s] I've been in Melbourne for the past few days and it's been a really nice break so far. First few days were a bit eh, due to parents yelling at me for reasons that just ??? don't?? really concern???? me????? Dad yelled at me on the first day 'cause I didn't call in when I landed. I mean, yeah? I get it but I was so sleepy I didn't even remember. Let me catch a break, man. I had went to a birthday dinner the night before so I was just tired in general. I wouldn't have remembered at all. But it's okay, I didn't let it get to me since I was already so out of it. Like, it got to the point that when my cousin ordered maccas for her siblings and I held onto the two cups of coke, I didn't notice that some of it had actually spilt onto me. It was only when I felt something wet against my hand that I realised. I was just so. Dead. LOL Then the next day my mum yelled at me because I had decided to go out by myself and she wanted me to finish off stuff for my sister. The stuff that she wanted me to finish was just sister's uni stuff, but the thing was that I was never told that I was meant to do it? She never said anything about it - about me doing it that is. Then my mum went off at me at the end of the day for going out by myself and not taking the siblings along with me, for taking my cousinโs car and driving, and for going out without asking my cousin for permission if I could go. I had a really nice day on that day so I didnโt let it get to me, luckily. Even though Iโm in a different state I clearly canโt catch a break from my parents. HAHAHAHA feels bad Aside from that they havenโt exactly yelled at me ever since. Which is a good thing, Iโm enjoying my trip so far. Except, I feel like my dad has been grinding our gears because he called my sister and was just lecturing her on how we should clean the sink and help out and stuff; we offer (well, my siblings offer since Iโve been coming home late...) but my cousin always kicks them out. Maybe I should just use the last day to just do chores LOL, actually yeah I might do that hmm hmm When crying turns into a sob fest Saturday 1 December 2018 | 0 comment[s] I've recently realised that when I actually do cry it becomes a full on sob fest. Yesterday was just a bad day. I had no energy from the little sleep I managed to get - less than three hours and a two hour nap. Then I had work. I was meant to start at 6 but I got called in early for no reason whatsoever. My boss made it sound like it was busy and that it got to the point that one of my co workers has to go in and out to help. So I agreed - I needed the money anyways. But I got there. And it turns out that I wasn't needed. At. All. They had only had one take away order in the hour. Then she called in one of my other co workers to come in. She had originally planned for him to come in at 5 but he said he couldn't so she told him to come in at 5:30. The thing with this, is that he also was not needed. Sure, I understood later that it was to train him in the kitchen but what the fuck. At least ask us if we want to work in the kitchen. Sure, maybe we can help out if it's busy but if you're short hand then fucking find a new worker. Because I knew that my friend was just angry. He didn't want to come in. I had noticed during work that I had received a call from my grand aunt. And then another one a hour later. Then fucking three more calls half hour later after that. All she wanted me to do was pick up fried rice that no one asked for. I had no energy and all I wanted to do was go home, shower and rest. But no. I couldn't even do that because I had to fucking go out of my way to go to her house. She even called my sister to tell me. But my sister had told her that I was at work and that I couldn't get it. But she insisted and didn't even listen to my sister when she said that no one wanted it and that I'd be tired after work. I was just so mad. And tired. And had absolutely no energy to deal with the shit that I just. Broke down in the car. I fucking sobbed. I ended up having to stay in the car for an extra 20 minutes or so just to calm down and stop sniffling. My eyes were slightly swelled and red, my nose was red and even my breathing was quivering. I was just too tired. Though, I did want to mention a thank you to a certain someone who offered to call when I was just ugly sobbing lmao. I honestly wouldn't have been able to say a single thing and all they would've heard was just me sobbing. Although, if they had just straight up called me instead of asking, I would've picked up. Despite that, the gesture was what really mattered and it made me happy. So, thank you. I really appreciate it. I hate this fear. Thursday 15 November 2018 | 0 comment[s] Who would've thought that three years later, I'm still traumatised over one small thing. I repeat, one small thing. It was you complaining to someone else about how I kept on insisting you go sleep early. And then after that you pretty much yelled at me. I never realised now but because of that I'm too scared to do anything. I'm scared of the rejection. And this is all because I cared about your health. It's gotten to the point where I try to steer my thoughts and be like, "They're old enough to look after themselves; I'm not their mother. I don't have a say in what they do." But really, it's because I'm too scared to do anything. I especially hate how it makes me feel. I'm already annoyed because of the fact that I'm still traumatised over this. And then when I tell people that I'd prefer it if they slept early but the choice is up to them, and yet when they choose to stay up, I get annoyed at them. Then I get more mad at myself for feeling that way. I enjoyed the times we had together and when I found out that I was a possible rebound, I didn't hate you. Even if I was a rebound, the times we had together were okay. But the one thing I do hate, is the fact that you did this to me. Instilled this fear that I can't seem to shake away. I hate it. I hate how just thinking about this is enough for me to just tear up and want to cry. I hate how there's this clenching in my chest. I hate this fucking fear I have. I just fucking hate... how pathetic I am... . Monday 5 November 2018 | 0 comment[s] It seems that whenever I post something it always ends up being something related to romance. Something related to love. And mostly, it's normally when I was in pain. I thought I'd stop using this blog and just leave it as a thing of the past but it seems like I need to come back to it again. Yeah, sure, I have people I can talk to about these problems of mine but they feel so... so pointless. These issues. There problems. Can they even be called them? They're so insignificant. So minor. Yet I can't turn to someone about it because I don't want to bother them. And not only that, I don't know if I can actually trust some of the people who I've ranted to before. I'm just so... tired of finding out that another person knows about these feelings that I hold for this person. Especially because it means that they've found out through other means... through people who I've told. I believed that they wouldn't tell anyone and yeah, sure it must've accidentally slipped out but... Can I really trust them to not "accidentally slip" about my problems? Especially if they're of my emotions? Originally I was going to write about something but the more I typed the more I thought about it and it's just... worthless. I get too hung up on the minor details. I get too invested. I get too emotional. I think too much. I assume the worst of most situations. I get too clingy. I get jealous too easily. I just... want these sad feelings to go away so I can stop crying... ใใใใญ Tuesday 28 March 2017 | 0 comment[s] To the person I once liked, I am really, really sorry. The day before you gave me the gift, I was full of doubt. I wanted to like you. I tried. I oh so hopelessly tried. And it worked! But only for a bit because I became hollow again. I lost the flame that I once held for you. I didn't know what to do; I stayed up until four in the morning seeking advice from friends who helped me come to the conclusion: I shouldn't lead you on if I wasn't sure about my feelings for you. ใใฉใใใใใใใใชใใใพใ ๅฅฝใ๏ผๅฎใฏใ็ฅใใชใใใๆ่ฟใญใใใชใใไปใๅใใใจใ่ใใใใฆใ้ ญใใใใใซใชใฃใใใงใใ็งใฎๅฟใฏไฝใๆใใใใจใฆใๆใใใ็งใใญใใใใซใชใฃใกใใฃใใจใใๆฌ็ฉ้ชๅฅณใใใ What do I do? Do I still like you? To be honest, I don't know. Lately, I've thought about the fact if I wanted to go out with you too much that my head started hurting. But my heart felt nothing. It's really scary. Did I become a robot? Or am I a true snow witch? On the day you gave me the gift, I honestly felt bad. I had planned to tell you what I had felt on a Sunday - just so that you didn't have to carry this emotional baggage into work, and that it would've given you time to settle yourself before you saw me again. After you gave it to me, and I accepted it (because I didn't work to hurt you nor embarrass you because of your auntie and our co-worker), I ended up telling you early. And I knew you were hurt because you "went to sleep" at around 11pm when your usual time was in fact at 1am. I know, because I had been observing you for the past month when I was genuinely still into you; you were somehow always in my vision. I asked you what you wanted me to do with the gift - whether you wanted to take it back and refund it or if you wanted me to keep it. I had asked my friends prior to this and they all told me to just give it back to you, letting you deal with it. I could've been that heartless, but because I still care for you as a friend, I couldn't. You told me to keep it, and so I did. When I opened it and researched the price for it, I could not believe the amount you had spent on me. It was much too expensive - something that I would've never bought for myself. I was shocked at first but then guilt flooded me all at once; I couldn't accept something like this without giving you anything in return - you had given me chocolate, roses and even a bear on Valentines, I wanted to get you something in return and so I did. I just hope you like it. ใใใฎ้ซใใฎใซใๅใๆปใใชใใฎ๏ผ๏ผใฉใใใฆ๏ผใใใ็ฅใใใใฐใๅใๅใใชใใใฐใใใใใใผ๏ผใจใซใใใใใชใใฎๅนธใใซใชใใพใใใใซใใ Despite it being this expensive, you won't take it back?! Why?! If I had known, it would've been better if I hadn't accepted it. Aaaahh. Anyways, I wish you happiness. I'll be honest with you, I do not know if what I did was the right move. Because after what happened you have been appearing in my dreams more frequently as of late - nearly every single night. And do you know what happens? I always have this clawing sensation in my chest. It really hurt and it really made me sad. But I think, another reason was because I kept on remembering the look you gave me when I accidentally saw you the following day. You gave me a half-hearted wave and a hurt smile before turning away. Do you know how much that stung? Considering you were enthusiastically waving and smiling brightly at my little sister? It hurt. But I knew it was something I had to put up with; I did the deed and so I have to prepare myself for the consequences. There have been times where I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't told you but that's nothing I can take back now. But I truly do wish for your happiness. I also pray that you aren't blaming yourself for this outcome; it was never you. It was always me for it started when I began overthinking things. I hope that one day, you'll find the girl who will make you so much more happier than I ever will. I began with an apology so I'll end with a thank you. Thank you liking me. Thank you spoiling me. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for trying your hardest despite me making it so difficult for you. Thank you for your dedication. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for always trying to make me smile. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for helping me when I needed it. And lastly, thank you, for allowing me to see that I still have the capacity to like someone again. Edit: The day we finally met after I told you my feelings and I have to say, it was not the most enjoyable thing possible. It got to the point that my chest and stomach started hurting, and I got called out by our co worker that I had a really depressing face and that I should smile more - I tried playing it off by saying that I was tired but I'm not too sure if I succeeded, haha. In all honesty, today I was so much more worried about you than I was of me - even if I accidentally cut myself with the eating knife. I kept on glancing at you because you kept on emitting this sad, hurt aura. It really hurt me to see you not smiling because you were always the type to smile. I really really hoped that it wasn't my fault you were like this but I can't deny the fact that I did think it was, because you kept on avoiding me. Honestly, I would've done the same thing so I knew it was just selfish of me to wish that you would've treated me the same as usual. I wanted to avoid you as much as possible because I didn't want to hurt you, so I kept our interactions as minimal as possible. But then, the time I gave you the bag you got really emotional and gave me this really wounded look. It looked like you were going to cry and to be honest, that made me really sad. It made me think, "ah, maybe I shouldn't have done this" because yes, it was selfish of me because I wanted to lessen the guilt I had clawing at me but also because I wanted to thank you for all that you've done for me. When I walked away I saw you go to the bathroom and then I heard a thump, and that thump sounded eerily like a punch to the wall so I knew that was you. I don't know why you did that but I genuinely hope that you didn't hurt yourself haha. And then when you came out, you went to the lower section of the restaurant, just aimlessly walking around. It looked like you were trying to sort your emotions. I hope you did haha. Edit 2: We finally had a proper talk! Well, to be honest, I just wanted to thank you for making my mood brighten. I was in the middle of a pool game when you messaged me that my handwriting was ugly and in all honesty, I cracked up. I couldn't help it. It just literally slipped passed my lips, and I couldn't help but smile. So thank you for that; it was probably the highlight of the day, getting told my handwriting was ugly. I know things are going to be hard for you specifically, in terms of you getting the brunt of the teasing and that you will feel uncomfortable with me around once in awhile and if you need space from me, just tell me. I'll respect it and move away. I have honestly thought of quitting just so that I could stop hurting you, but since you told me that you enjoyed working with me I decided not to, because I, too, enjoy working with you. I hope that we get to talk more like this. Because it actually makes me feel more connected to you, considering that we've never talked like this. It helped me get to know you more. It also gave me a chance to actually reveal my feelings a bit more, I guess. And even though I've done what I've done, I genuinely hope that we can still be friends. So, please, take your time and don't rush yourself. If you need space, tell me. I'll gladly step out of your life for a bit if you need me to. I've written it before but I'll say it again: I still care for you so please, smile. That's all I really want you to do to be honest. I don't care if you do end up hating me for what I've done as long as you're smiling. Then I'll be fine. Just smile. ใใใฃใใญใ Tuesday 3 January 2017 | 0 comment[s] ๅคๅใใใ่ชฐใใใฎใใญใใฐใ่ชญใใ ใใใใใ็งใฏไฝใงใๆธใใใใจใใงใใใใญใ ใทใฃใณใๅผใใงใใใจใใฏในใธใ ๆฐๅฝผๅฅณใ่ฆใคใใฆใญใใใชใใฎๆใ่ฆใใใ็็ฑใ็ฅใใชใใใฉใญใๅฟใ็ใใใ ๅคๅใ ใ ใใชใใฏ็งใใๅฝผๅฅณใฎๆนใๅฅฝใใ ใฃใใไปใๅใฃใฆใใๆใฏใใใชใใฏ็งใซใใฃใใซๆใ่ฆใใใใใใคใณในใฟใผใจใในใซใคใใจใไฝใงใใใใชใใฏ็งใฎๅๅใใใชใใฎๆใๆธใใชใใฃใใ ใฉใใใฆใ ใใใ ๅฎใฏใๅคๅ็งใฏๅฝผๅฅณใ็พจใพใใใ็งใฏใใชใใๅฌใใใๆฌฒใใใฆใใใฎใใจใฎใใใซใใใชใใฎ็ๆดปใซ็งใใใใซใใชใใใฐใใใใฏๅคงไธๅคซใใๅฝผๅฅณใฎใใฐใใใซใใชใใฎๅนธใใ้กใฃใฆใใใใ
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Sixth of December โค๏ธ Thursday 10 January 2019 | 0 Comment[s] I knew long distance was going to be painful but I didn't think it would be this painful. I get these throbbing in my chest when I start missing him and it just hurts. I miss him. I miss his hands. I miss his warmth. I miss him being in my arms. I miss the feeling of having his arms around me. I miss his head pats. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his kisses. I just really miss him. During these two months so much has happened and my affection for this guy has just, grown. While I was overseas we'd call really often. It got to the point where I am so attached to his voice. We also video called too and it was honestly really nice. Being able to see him made me happy and smile a lot, especially if I could see his reaction when I'm teasing him HAHAHA And recently he interacted with some of my little cousins and it honestly made my heart swell up. He is so incredibly cute. He humoured them with their jokes and teases and it was so pure and sweet. He has been there for me when I've been constantly complaining about the person who I went on the exchange with. He's made me feel so special. He constantly gives me butterflies and fuzzes (to the point where I want to cry) - yes, even up to this day. He makes my fears go away. He makes me feel loved. He actually respects me. He doesn't make me feel as though I'm alone. I don't have to worry about pulling back. I don't worry about feeling as though I'm a nuisance. I've realised there has been a lot of things where my ex has kind of made it hard for me to do stuff. I didn't realise how much he actually affected me until now but, slowly but surely I'm getting over it thanks to my partner. I really, really appreciate my boyfriend. He's done so much for me that I sometimes worry that I don't do enough for him. He's trying so hard to make this work and it honestly makes me so happy and loved, and I can't wait for him to come up again soon. I'll try my best to spoil him as much as he has spoiled me, because honestly? This guy deserves so much. And hopefully, I'll be able to give him as much as I can. Hey Brandon? I love you. โบ๏ธ๐ Melbourne 2018 Sunday 9 December 2018 | 0 Comment[s] I've been in Melbourne for the past few days and it's been a really nice break so far. First few days were a bit eh, due to parents yelling at me for reasons that just ??? don't?? really concern???? me????? Dad yelled at me on the first day 'cause I didn't call in when I landed. I mean, yeah? I get it but I was so sleepy I didn't even remember. Let me catch a break, man. I had went to a birthday dinner the night before so I was just tired in general. I wouldn't have remembered at all. But it's okay, I didn't let it get to me since I was already so out of it. Like, it got to the point that when my cousin ordered maccas for her siblings and I held onto the two cups of coke, I didn't notice that some of it had actually spilt onto me. It was only when I felt something wet against my hand that I realised. I was just so. Dead. LOL Then the next day my mum yelled at me because I had decided to go out by myself and she wanted me to finish off stuff for my sister. The stuff that she wanted me to finish was just sister's uni stuff, but the thing was that I was never told that I was meant to do it? She never said anything about it - about me doing it that is. Then my mum went off at me at the end of the day for going out by myself and not taking the siblings along with me, for taking my cousinโs car and driving, and for going out without asking my cousin for permission if I could go. I had a really nice day on that day so I didnโt let it get to me, luckily. Even though Iโm in a different state I clearly canโt catch a break from my parents. HAHAHAHA feels bad Aside from that they havenโt exactly yelled at me ever since. Which is a good thing, Iโm enjoying my trip so far. Except, I feel like my dad has been grinding our gears because he called my sister and was just lecturing her on how we should clean the sink and help out and stuff; we offer (well, my siblings offer since Iโve been coming home late...) but my cousin always kicks them out. Maybe I should just use the last day to just do chores LOL, actually yeah I might do that hmm hmm When crying turns into a sob fest Saturday 1 December 2018 | 0 Comment[s] I've recently realised that when I actually do cry it becomes a full on sob fest. Yesterday was just a bad day. I had no energy from the little sleep I managed to get - less than three hours and a two hour nap. Then I had work. I was meant to start at 6 but I got called in early for no reason whatsoever. My boss made it sound like it was busy and that it got to the point that one of my co workers has to go in and out to help. So I agreed - I needed the money anyways. But I got there. And it turns out that I wasn't needed. At. All. They had only had one take away order in the hour. Then she called in one of my other co workers to come in. She had originally planned for him to come in at 5 but he said he couldn't so she told him to come in at 5:30. The thing with this, is that he also was not needed. Sure, I understood later that it was to train him in the kitchen but what the fuck. At least ask us if we want to work in the kitchen. Sure, maybe we can help out if it's busy but if you're short hand then fucking find a new worker. Because I knew that my friend was just angry. He didn't want to come in. I had noticed during work that I had received a call from my grand aunt. And then another one a hour later. Then fucking three more calls half hour later after that. All she wanted me to do was pick up fried rice that no one asked for. I had no energy and all I wanted to do was go home, shower and rest. But no. I couldn't even do that because I had to fucking go out of my way to go to her house. She even called my sister to tell me. But my sister had told her that I was at work and that I couldn't get it. But she insisted and didn't even listen to my sister when she said that no one wanted it and that I'd be tired after work. I was just so mad. And tired. And had absolutely no energy to deal with the shit that I just. Broke down in the car. I fucking sobbed. I ended up having to stay in the car for an extra 20 minutes or so just to calm down and stop sniffling. My eyes were slightly swelled and red, my nose was red and even my breathing was quivering. I was just too tired. Though, I did want to mention a thank you to a certain someone who offered to call when I was just ugly sobbing lmao. I honestly wouldn't have been able to say a single thing and all they would've heard was just me sobbing. Although, if they had just straight up called me instead of asking, I would've picked up. Despite that, the gesture was what really mattered and it made me happy. So, thank you. I really appreciate it. I hate this fear. Thursday 15 November 2018 | 0 Comment[s] Who would've thought that three years later, I'm still traumatised over one small thing. I repeat, one small thing. It was you complaining to someone else about how I kept on insisting you go sleep early. And then after that you pretty much yelled at me. I never realised now but because of that I'm too scared to do anything. I'm scared of the rejection. And this is all because I cared about your health. It's gotten to the point where I try to steer my thoughts and be like, "They're old enough to look after themselves; I'm not their mother. I don't have a say in what they do." But really, it's because I'm too scared to do anything. I especially hate how it makes me feel. I'm already annoyed because of the fact that I'm still traumatised over this. And then when I tell people that I'd prefer it if they slept early but the choice is up to them, and yet when they choose to stay up, I get annoyed at them. Then I get more mad at myself for feeling that way. I enjoyed the times we had together and when I found out that I was a possible rebound, I didn't hate you. Even if I was a rebound, the times we had together were okay. But the one thing I do hate, is the fact that you did this to me. Instilled this fear that I can't seem to shake away. I hate it. I hate how just thinking about this is enough for me to just tear up and want to cry. I hate how there's this clenching in my chest. I hate this fucking fear I have. I just fucking hate... how pathetic I am... . Monday 5 November 2018 | 0 Comment[s] It seems that whenever I post something it always ends up being something related to romance. Something related to love. And mostly, it's normally when I was in pain. I thought I'd stop using this blog and just leave it as a thing of the past but it seems like I need to come back to it again. Yeah, sure, I have people I can talk to about these problems of mine but they feel so... so pointless. These issues. There problems. Can they even be called them? They're so insignificant. So minor. Yet I can't turn to someone about it because I don't want to bother them. And not only that, I don't know if I can actually trust some of the people who I've ranted to before. I'm just so... tired of finding out that another person knows about these feelings that I hold for this person. Especially because it means that they've found out through other means... through people who I've told. I believed that they wouldn't tell anyone and yeah, sure it must've accidentally slipped out but... Can I really trust them to not "accidentally slip" about my problems? Especially if they're of my emotions? Originally I was going to write about something but the more I typed the more I thought about it and it's just... worthless. I get too hung up on the minor details. I get too invested. I get too emotional. I think too much. I assume the worst of most situations. I get too clingy. I get jealous too easily. I just... want these sad feelings to go away so I can stop crying... ใใใใญ Tuesday 28 March 2017 | 0 Comment[s] To the person I once liked, I am really, really sorry. The day before you gave me the gift, I was full of doubt. I wanted to like you. I tried. I oh so hopelessly tried. And it worked! But only for a bit because I became hollow again. I lost the flame that I once held for you. I didn't know what to do; I stayed up until four in the morning seeking advice from friends who helped me come to the conclusion: I shouldn't lead you on if I wasn't sure about my feelings for you. ใใฉใใใใใใใใชใใใพใ ๅฅฝใ๏ผๅฎใฏใ็ฅใใชใใใๆ่ฟใญใใใชใใไปใๅใใใจใ่ใใใใฆใ้ ญใใใใใซใชใฃใใใงใใ็งใฎๅฟใฏไฝใๆใใใใจใฆใๆใใใ็งใใญใใใใซใชใฃใกใใฃใใจใใๆฌ็ฉ้ชๅฅณใใใ What do I do? Do I still like you? To be honest, I don't know. Lately, I've thought about the fact if I wanted to go out with you too much that my head started hurting. But my heart felt nothing. It's really scary. Did I become a robot? Or am I a true snow witch? On the day you gave me the gift, I honestly felt bad. I had planned to tell you what I had felt on a Sunday - just so that you didn't have to carry this emotional baggage into work, and that it would've given you time to settle yourself before you saw me again. After you gave it to me, and I accepted it (because I didn't work to hurt you nor embarrass you because of your auntie and our co-worker), I ended up telling you early. And I knew you were hurt because you "went to sleep" at around 11pm when your usual time was in fact at 1am. I know, because I had been observing you for the past month when I was genuinely still into you; you were somehow always in my vision. I asked you what you wanted me to do with the gift - whether you wanted to take it back and refund it or if you wanted me to keep it. I had asked my friends prior to this and they all told me to just give it back to you, letting you deal with it. I could've been that heartless, but because I still care for you as a friend, I couldn't. You told me to keep it, and so I did. When I opened it and researched the price for it, I could not believe the amount you had spent on me. It was much too expensive - something that I would've never bought for myself. I was shocked at first but then guilt flooded me all at once; I couldn't accept something like this without giving you anything in return - you had given me chocolate, roses and even a bear on Valentines, I wanted to get you something in return and so I did. I just hope you like it. ใใใฎ้ซใใฎใซใๅใๆปใใชใใฎ๏ผ๏ผใฉใใใฆ๏ผใใใ็ฅใใใใฐใๅใๅใใชใใใฐใใใใใใผ๏ผใจใซใใใใใชใใฎๅนธใใซใชใใพใใใใซใใ Despite it being this expensive, you won't take it back?! Why?! If I had known, it would've been better if I hadn't accepted it. Aaaahh. Anyways, I wish you happiness. I'll be honest with you, I do not know if what I did was the right move. Because after what happened you have been appearing in my dreams more frequently as of late - nearly every single night. And do you know what happens? I always have this clawing sensation in my chest. It really hurt and it really made me sad. But I think, another reason was because I kept on remembering the look you gave me when I accidentally saw you the following day. You gave me a half-hearted wave and a hurt smile before turning away. Do you know how much that stung? Considering you were enthusiastically waving and smiling brightly at my little sister? It hurt. But I knew it was something I had to put up with; I did the deed and so I have to prepare myself for the consequences. There have been times where I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't told you but that's nothing I can take back now. But I truly do wish for your happiness. I also pray that you aren't blaming yourself for this outcome; it was never you. It was always me for it started when I began overthinking things. I hope that one day, you'll find the girl who will make you so much more happier than I ever will. I began with an apology so I'll end with a thank you. Thank you liking me. Thank you spoiling me. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for trying your hardest despite me making it so difficult for you. Thank you for your dedication. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for always trying to make me smile. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for helping me when I needed it. And lastly, thank you, for allowing me to see that I still have the capacity to like someone again. Edit: The day we finally met after I told you my feelings and I have to say, it was not the most enjoyable thing possible. It got to the point that my chest and stomach started hurting, and I got called out by our co worker that I had a really depressing face and that I should smile more - I tried playing it off by saying that I was tired but I'm not too sure if I succeeded, haha. In all honesty, today I was so much more worried about you than I was of me - even if I accidentally cut myself with the eating knife. I kept on glancing at you because you kept on emitting this sad, hurt aura. It really hurt me to see you not smiling because you were always the type to smile. I really really hoped that it wasn't my fault you were like this but I can't deny the fact that I did think it was, because you kept on avoiding me. Honestly, I would've done the same thing so I knew it was just selfish of me to wish that you would've treated me the same as usual. I wanted to avoid you as much as possible because I didn't want to hurt you, so I kept our interactions as minimal as possible. But then, the time I gave you the bag you got really emotional and gave me this really wounded look. It looked like you were going to cry and to be honest, that made me really sad. It made me think, "ah, maybe I shouldn't have done this" because yes, it was selfish of me because I wanted to lessen the guilt I had clawing at me but also because I wanted to thank you for all that you've done for me. When I walked away I saw you go to the bathroom and then I heard a thump, and that thump sounded eerily like a punch to the wall so I knew that was you. I don't know why you did that but I genuinely hope that you didn't hurt yourself haha. And then when you came out, you went to the lower section of the restaurant, just aimlessly walking around. It looked like you were trying to sort your emotions. I hope you did haha. Edit 2: We finally had a proper talk! Well, to be honest, I just wanted to thank you for making my mood brighten. I was in the middle of a pool game when you messaged me that my handwriting was ugly and in all honesty, I cracked up. I couldn't help it. It just literally slipped passed my lips, and I couldn't help but smile. So thank you for that; it was probably the highlight of the day, getting told my handwriting was ugly. I know things are going to be hard for you specifically, in terms of you getting the brunt of the teasing and that you will feel uncomfortable with me around once in awhile and if you need space from me, just tell me. I'll respect it and move away. I have honestly thought of quitting just so that I could stop hurting you, but since you told me that you enjoyed working with me I decided not to, because I, too, enjoy working with you. I hope that we get to talk more like this. Because it actually makes me feel more connected to you, considering that we've never talked like this. It helped me get to know you more. It also gave me a chance to actually reveal my feelings a bit more, I guess. And even though I've done what I've done, I genuinely hope that we can still be friends. So, please, take your time and don't rush yourself. If you need space, tell me. I'll gladly step out of your life for a bit if you need me to. I've written it before but I'll say it again: I still care for you so please, smile. That's all I really want you to do to be honest. I don't care if you do end up hating me for what I've done as long as you're smiling. Then I'll be fine. Just smile. ใใใฃใใญใ Tuesday 3 January 2017 | 0 Comment[s] ๅคๅใใใ่ชฐใใใฎใใญใใฐใ่ชญใใ ใใใใใ็งใฏไฝใงใๆธใใใใจใใงใใใใญใ ใทใฃใณใๅผใใงใใใจใใฏในใธใ ๆฐๅฝผๅฅณใ่ฆใคใใฆใญใใใชใใฎๆใ่ฆใใใ็็ฑใ็ฅใใชใใใฉใญใๅฟใ็ใใใ ๅคๅใ ใ ใใชใใฏ็งใใๅฝผๅฅณใฎๆนใๅฅฝใใ ใฃใใไปใๅใฃใฆใใๆใฏใใใชใใฏ็งใซใใฃใใซๆใ่ฆใใใใใใคใณในใฟใผใจใในใซใคใใจใไฝใงใใใใชใใฏ็งใฎๅๅใใใชใใฎๆใๆธใใชใใฃใใ ใฉใใใฆใ ใใใ ๅฎใฏใๅคๅ็งใฏๅฝผๅฅณใ็พจใพใใใ็งใฏใใชใใๅฌใใใๆฌฒใใใฆใใใฎใใจใฎใใใซใใใชใใฎ็ๆดปใซ็งใใใใซใใชใใใฐใใใใฏๅคงไธๅคซใใๅฝผๅฅณใฎใใฐใใใซใใชใใฎๅนธใใ้กใฃใฆใใใใ
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Occupation: Student Currently: Dying |