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æ„›: 17 Month
So today is my 17 month with Davison and on the car ride to school, I cried. With happiness. I was re-reading this paragraph that Davison sent to me for our ninth month while I was in Vietnam and really, it got me smiling and giggling like a little girl. I honestly felt so fuzzy and warm from that. You couldn't see but I was just grinning and smiling after reading it. To be honest, I'm glad I read it. I managed to push some of the negative thoughts out of my head from it too so yeah. I was so happy just for the few minutes before school started.
Let's just say, for the whole day... I wanted to smile truthfully but I couldn't. I wanted to be happy like usual but I couldn't. Talking to Davison and just smiling at my phone. I can't even smile properly anymore.
School started and instead of my academy I had to watch this troupe thing. Honestly, there were parts where I wanted to smile but I just couldn't. I made cranes instead. Thinking of him of course. I made a whole bunch that the screen was almost covered with cranes. Lmfao. Almost to 1000! Just 200 more I think. (Actually need to count them really haha.)
I started this post just before the performance went on as well so it was interesting when we were told to turn off our phones. Especially when I forgot I hadn't saved it yet. Lol.
First break I had a meeting so I went. I ended up having to fetch people because they forgot about it and well, yeah. I didn't eat but I took out a mandarin anyways and tried to eat it... But I just couldn't. I gave it away to my friend instead. To be honest, I've been having trouble eating nowadays that I have to force myself to eat. Like when I got home, I tried eating an ice-cream (a well known anti-depressant) but I even struggled eating with that. I can't even eat properly anymore.
Music I had to sing but really, I couldn't. I had to try to not sound sad as I did on Tuesday with my vocal teacher since I couldn't even sing properly. Haha. Apparently, I'm technically almost perfect but I just need characteristic... Not going to happen with the emotions I'm going through.
The rest of the day was done. To be honest, I'm actually glad that Van was asleep during Japanese. Otherwise I'd be even more depressed as I am, not being able to smile when I want to haha. Because for that whole lesson I was really quiet. Honestly, during that lesson I wanted to cry but I didn't. I couldn't during the school unless I literally break down.
Got home. Did stuff. And then Davison... Actually replied to me. But what really broke me, and my heart was that he said he's given up. He's sick of trying. And basically right now, there's a hole in my chest and I'm crying but I'm trying to get him to stay... Except he rarely replies now. Which is a sign that he isn't bothered anymore. So I can't continue anything if he doesn't reply but honestly... What he said is right: "I've given you so many chances" but what's not fair is that we never get to talk about it. He promised me a year ago that he'd try to tell me if I hurt him or if I angered him, but he hasn't and now I can't do anything to change his mind because I can't continue.
I know where he's coming from like seriously. Who wouldn't be sick of me after this long? He still hasn't forgiven me and I can't do shit to get him to forgive me either. I want him to communicate with me but I don't know how to. I want him to stay and personally, I'm just going to fight for it. But it's so hard when the person you're madly in love with, is a state away and you can't do anything about that either. You can't do anything and all you can do is feel worthless, useless. It just breaks me.
When he told me, I just instantly lost my appetite. I couldn't eat. Looks my eating problem is going to get worst as well. I don't know why but a memory came into my head when he asked me a long time ago at of curiosity, "What would you do if we broke up?" I told him: "I'd be depressed... Won't be able to eat and I guess crying for days." The first two are starting to happen but I really hope... The break up doesnt happen because if it did... I'd probably turn... Into a different person...
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æ„›: 17 Month
So today is my 17 month with Davison and on the car ride to school, I cried. With happiness. I was re-reading this paragraph that Davison sent to me for our ninth month while I was in Vietnam and really, it got me smiling and giggling like a little girl. I honestly felt so fuzzy and warm from that. You couldn't see but I was just grinning and smiling after reading it. To be honest, I'm glad I read it. I managed to push some of the negative thoughts out of my head from it too so yeah. I was so happy just for the few minutes before school started.
Let's just say, for the whole day... I wanted to smile truthfully but I couldn't. I wanted to be happy like usual but I couldn't. Talking to Davison and just smiling at my phone. I can't even smile properly anymore.
School started and instead of my academy I had to watch this troupe thing. Honestly, there were parts where I wanted to smile but I just couldn't. I made cranes instead. Thinking of him of course. I made a whole bunch that the screen was almost covered with cranes. Lmfao. Almost to 1000! Just 200 more I think. (Actually need to count them really haha.)
I started this post just before the performance went on as well so it was interesting when we were told to turn off our phones. Especially when I forgot I hadn't saved it yet. Lol.
First break I had a meeting so I went. I ended up having to fetch people because they forgot about it and well, yeah. I didn't eat but I took out a mandarin anyways and tried to eat it... But I just couldn't. I gave it away to my friend instead. To be honest, I've been having trouble eating nowadays that I have to force myself to eat. Like when I got home, I tried eating an ice-cream (a well known anti-depressant) but I even struggled eating with that. I can't even eat properly anymore.
Music I had to sing but really, I couldn't. I had to try to not sound sad as I did on Tuesday with my vocal teacher since I couldn't even sing properly. Haha. Apparently, I'm technically almost perfect but I just need characteristic... Not going to happen with the emotions I'm going through.
The rest of the day was done. To be honest, I'm actually glad that Van was asleep during Japanese. Otherwise I'd be even more depressed as I am, not being able to smile when I want to haha. Because for that whole lesson I was really quiet. Honestly, during that lesson I wanted to cry but I didn't. I couldn't during the school unless I literally break down.
Got home. Did stuff. And then Davison... Actually replied to me. But what really broke me, and my heart was that he said he's given up. He's sick of trying. And basically right now, there's a hole in my chest and I'm crying but I'm trying to get him to stay... Except he rarely replies now. Which is a sign that he isn't bothered anymore. So I can't continue anything if he doesn't reply but honestly... What he said is right: "I've given you so many chances" but what's not fair is that we never get to talk about it. He promised me a year ago that he'd try to tell me if I hurt him or if I angered him, but he hasn't and now I can't do anything to change his mind because I can't continue.
I know where he's coming from like seriously. Who wouldn't be sick of me after this long? He still hasn't forgiven me and I can't do shit to get him to forgive me either. I want him to communicate with me but I don't know how to. I want him to stay and personally, I'm just going to fight for it. But it's so hard when the person you're madly in love with, is a state away and you can't do anything about that either. You can't do anything and all you can do is feel worthless, useless. It just breaks me.
When he told me, I just instantly lost my appetite. I couldn't eat. Looks my eating problem is going to get worst as well. I don't know why but a memory came into my head when he asked me a long time ago at of curiosity, "What would you do if we broke up?" I told him: "I'd be depressed... Won't be able to eat and I guess crying for days." The first two are starting to happen but I really hope... The break up doesnt happen because if it did... I'd probably turn... Into a different person...
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Name: Vivian
Occupation: Student
Currently: Dying
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