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願い: Happy Occasion, Pained Vivian Friday, 14 February 2014 | 0 comment[s] Valentines' Daaayyyy. Hmm. To be honest, I was really pained on this day. Haha. I tried acting really happy and carefree around people. This morning for example, I was walking around and doing random things. I walked around school looking for my little sister because she had something I needed. I gave it to her to put into her bag because mine was too full to fit. Lmfao. Found her, went back to the place where I hung out and then gave a friend something she bought me for Valentines' last year. A mini devil. Afterwards, I had to go return something to a year mate since we're in the same committee and all. Haha. I took his folder of ideas for the cruise since he's the 'leader' of it I think. I don't know since I missed the first meeting. Haha. Oh yay. Gave it back to him, came back to the group. Acted all happy. Afterwards I just sat on the ground and started making my cranes all over again. Mimi gave me her phone since she asked if I wanted to say 'Happy Valentines' to Davison'. I did say it to him last night but I didn't exactly get an enthusiastic reply from that so I said it again to him again. With his response as "Happy Valentines' to you too.". I really wanted to talk to him but with the amount of chatting we do... I was worried that I'd end up using too much of Mimi's phone battery. She said she didn't care since it was Valentines' Day. But the bell went before I could say anything. Haha. To be honest, I really wanted to apologise for last night but I couldn't since all the lovey-dovey atmosphere was eating me on the inside. It was so painful. When I was walking to my form class, a friend was like "Why do you look so sad on Valentines?". To be honest, I was getting close to getting teary at that point. I just shook my head and moved on into class. For the rest of the day, I tried acting all happy because of the people around me. It was so painful that all I really wanted to do was hide somewhere and silently cry. So that all this loneliness, yearning, pain and envy could just lighten. If only just a little bit. But I couldn't. During first lunch, there was this flash mob hosted by the year 12s but it wasn't exactly a flash mob anymore because apparently one of the teachers told her class so yeah... Was fun to watch but that was it. Haha. After when it was done... I tried eating... Couldn't do it so I forced myself to eat. I struggled to. I was hungry but I couldn't even swallow nor did I feel like chewing. I didn't even feel like drinking water. In the end, it was just really painful. Haha. I gave up on eating and just walked over to my old group since the friend who was teaching me guitar was there. For that whole break, I just tried being all happy. Haha. Really, really painful. The next two lessons, it wasn't as painful. Haha. I tried acting happy in music so Nina wouldn't suspect anything - not like she doesn't notice me staring blankly somewhere looking so upset all the time. Hah. But yeah, in maths B I sit alone anyways so I didn't have to put up that painful facade. When it was second break, I was walking to Nhu-Yen to see if she wanted to teach me guitar this break as well. I was walking behind and I saw Suzanne and Loc walking behind me. I felt as though something was up so I was looking at the old hall's door glass as I was walking. I saw Loc go towards Suzanne but I don't even know. Haha. Suzanne came up to me and had her arm over my shoulder asking if I was alright. But I didn't answer because the answer was so god damn obvious. I wasn't alright. At all. She said "Just bear with it. It only happens once a year." My response: "It doesn't help because I feel as though I hurt him last night." She said she knew what I was feeling or something like that then disappeared to her group. I sat down next to Nhu-Yen and tried eating again... I couldn't. I almost chocked trying to eat a sandwich. I was struggling so much to the point I just threw it into the bin. It hurt so much. In the end, we couldn't even practice because it was so full. Asked Mr. Rye if we could practice in the other room but his response: "No. There's a year 12 music student in there and he needs the whole room for himself." He said it in such a way that it just turned my crap mood into shit. After that, I just walked off to the direction of the library after saying goodbye to Nhu-Yen and apologising for wasting her time. But in the end, I didn't go to the library. I met someone who I knew was always smiling and if she saw me being so upset in the library surely she was going to question me what was happening. So... I just left and went to my next class. Just sat outside and did my piano work. I really seemed like a depressed child. Haha. I honestly was going to cry - if it wasn't for the fact that a teacher's staffroom was just down the hallway so I couldn't. Haha. Sigh. Japanese class, I guess, was the only highlight of the day. It was somewhat funny. Haha. I tried hiding my pain even though my voice was slick with sadness at the beginning but that was the only part of the lesson that it was evident that I was depressed. Haha. I got asked by a friend if I was okay even before the lesson started because I was just sitting outside of the class not saying anything. Not even looking up, just doing my piano homework. Japanese was fun because of people trying to draw a classmate's 'neighbourhood' but yeah. Haha. I guess to others, I would seem okay because I acted like I usually would. Making up the most random of things during the lesson. "I live under a rock, under the sea." Yay. Haha. I don't even know. I guess I gave hints that I was upset but that was it. Haha. After buying some things I needed for school at the local shops, we went home. I just did my homework the rest of the day, only managing to sneak on the computer while little brother was doing something apologise to Davison. Haha. I honestly want to go back to how everything was... I remember staying up late last year just to send him a drawing of a rose I drew for him. Despite the fact that he fell asleep on me last year, I miss these memories. I honestly miss it. The moments where I'm just grinning at my phone and being so happy. I want him back. I miss him so much... |
