Oh, guess what? Yeah. I fell. I had enough of his fucking shit. Today, first thing in the morning, he yells at me to get up. So, I can’t even sleep in on my holiday? Well then. Fine, that’s okay with me. I got really frustrated and wanted to punch the wall but I didn’t. I resisted. Eight hours later, I was going to start on my instructions for this volunteering program I’m in. I was multi-tasking at the time, dad sees me on Facebook. Instantly assumes all I’m doing is chatting. He cuts the net, saying that I’m not allowed to use it for the rest of the holidays. All because apparently to him, I’m fat. I’m not fucking overweight or underweight. I’m at an average weight. But nooooo, he wants me to look skinny so he tells me to go exercise with my siblings. But when he told me that, I was starting on my instructions.

Since all that shit happened, I went out and he tells my siblings that we’re not allowed to use it anymore, they look at me. Blaming me. Blaming me that I was the cause that we weren’t allowed to use it anymore.

Dad goes back into the house blabbing all of this shit when I was smiling to myself at the screen. Oh? Does that mean I can’t laugh? Does that mean I can’t be fucking happy? Does that fucking mean that I have to be miserable? Sure. I’ll do it again. I’ll go back to how I was in primary, how I was in the first two years in high school. A fucking isolated child who couldn’t even smile.

Since the gate was locked, I just climbed over it. Hurt my back in the process but I was too hurt, frustrated and upset to even give a damn. I walked around my block, and the rash thing that I was going to do. I was actually going to run away. I could’ve. No one was following me, no one knew where I was. I could’ve just run away and then he can finally realise what he’s done. I was so tempted to. I was that upset. He caused this distance. If I’m cold to him, he can deal with it. I had enough. He caused this distance, he can try to fix it himself. I’m done. I’m fucking done on trying to be the one to fix it. If he doesn’t put any effort then why do I have to? I tried. I failed. All I get out of it is fucking lectures, him telling me off. Even when my family went out to start walk around the block, I just went straight pass them. I didn’t even look at them. When I saw them again, they were going straight, I turned right trying to ignore them. Once I got home, my mum’s like “The eldest is here.” I swear to god, dad gave me a disgusted look. I didn’t even talk to him for the rest of the time. Even now, I’m not talking to him.

Oh right, we had this meeting for my volunteering place so that we could practice on what to do on Saturday. Dad came and I was glad, that I was staying a bit longer. If I wasn’t, then I would’ve had dealt with him in the car alone. I didn’t want to. If he was going to lecture me in there... I swear to god, I would’ve went off at him. I don’t care if he ends up threatening me, I’ve had enough. If he wants to disown me. Sure. Let him do that. I’ll just go somewhere else. Probably have nowhere to stay but sure. Probably going to end up crying and regretting it in the end but because of all of shit and the state I’m in, I probably wouldn’t even care. I’ve just had enough, of having my efforts of trying to fix this relationship with him. Yeah, I’m crying right now, I’m still fucking hurt. But I have to deal with it. I have to be the one to burden all of the responsibilities because I’m the eldest. This is what I try to protect my siblings from. This is what I advise them about. This is why I try to make sure that they don’t follow my footsteps, so that they don’t go through this hell. This suffering. I’m probably just being a wuss, when others just suffer more than me. When others are in a worse state than I am. I’m just being a big baby but it hurts. It feels as though, there’s like a cut in my chest that can’t be healed. It just hurts.

Well, then. Dad’s right beside me trying to get me to sleep because it’s like what. Eleven now? Haha. I still can’t even sleep whenever I want even though it’s my holidays. Sigh. This shit I have to go through yet smile through it all. I wonder, if I ever will get something out of this..

Oh, guess what? Yeah. I fell. I had enough of his fucking shit. Today, first thing in the morning, he yells at me to get up. So, I can’t even sleep in on my holiday? Well then. Fine, that’s okay with me. I got really frustrated and wanted to punch the wall but I didn’t. I resisted. Eight hours later, I was going to start on my instructions for this volunteering program I’m in. I was multi-tasking at the time, dad sees me on Facebook. Instantly assumes all I’m doing is chatting. He cuts the net, saying that I’m not allowed to use it for the rest of the holidays. All because apparently to him, I’m fat. I’m not fucking overweight or underweight. I’m at an average weight. But nooooo, he wants me to look skinny so he tells me to go exercise with my siblings. But when he told me that, I was starting on my instructions.

Since all that shit happened, I went out and he tells my siblings that we’re not allowed to use it anymore, they look at me. Blaming me. Blaming me that I was the cause that we weren’t allowed to use it anymore.

Dad goes back into the house blabbing all of this shit when I was smiling to myself at the screen. Oh? Does that mean I can’t laugh? Does that mean I can’t be fucking happy? Does that fucking mean that I have to be miserable? Sure. I’ll do it again. I’ll go back to how I was in primary, how I was in the first two years in high school. A fucking isolated child who couldn’t even smile.

Since the gate was locked, I just climbed over it. Hurt my back in the process but I was too hurt, frustrated and upset to even give a damn. I walked around my block, and the rash thing that I was going to do. I was actually going to run away. I could’ve. No one was following me, no one knew where I was. I could’ve just run away and then he can finally realise what he’s done. I was so tempted to. I was that upset. He caused this distance. If I’m cold to him, he can deal with it. I had enough. He caused this distance, he can try to fix it himself. I’m done. I’m fucking done on trying to be the one to fix it. If he doesn’t put any effort then why do I have to? I tried. I failed. All I get out of it is fucking lectures, him telling me off. Even when my family went out to start walk around the block, I just went straight pass them. I didn’t even look at them. When I saw them again, they were going straight, I turned right trying to ignore them. Once I got home, my mum’s like “The eldest is here.” I swear to god, dad gave me a disgusted look. I didn’t even talk to him for the rest of the time. Even now, I’m not talking to him.

Oh right, we had this meeting for my volunteering place so that we could practice on what to do on Saturday. Dad came and I was glad, that I was staying a bit longer. If I wasn’t, then I would’ve had dealt with him in the car alone. I didn’t want to. If he was going to lecture me in there... I swear to god, I would’ve went off at him. I don’t care if he ends up threatening me, I’ve had enough. If he wants to disown me. Sure. Let him do that. I’ll just go somewhere else. Probably have nowhere to stay but sure. Probably going to end up crying and regretting it in the end but because of all of shit and the state I’m in, I probably wouldn’t even care. I’ve just had enough, of having my efforts of trying to fix this relationship with him. Yeah, I’m crying right now, I’m still fucking hurt. But I have to deal with it. I have to be the one to burden all of the responsibilities because I’m the eldest. This is what I try to protect my siblings from. This is what I advise them about. This is why I try to make sure that they don’t follow my footsteps, so that they don’t go through this hell. This suffering. I’m probably just being a wuss, when others just suffer more than me. When others are in a worse state than I am. I’m just being a big baby but it hurts. It feels as though, there’s like a cut in my chest that can’t be healed. It just hurts.

Well, then. Dad’s right beside me trying to get me to sleep because it’s like what. Eleven now? Haha. I still can’t even sleep whenever I want even though it’s my holidays. Sigh. This shit I have to go through yet smile through it all. I wonder, if I ever will get something out of this..