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Bad Idea Thursday, 24 September 2015 | 0 comment[s] It's almost been a month since we've broken up. And I still think about you; are you okay? How's school for you? Are you doing okay? Do you still think of me? I want to ask you so many questions because I still care for you so damn much but I can't say anything. Because the amount of times that I've tried, it hasn't turned out that well so now I'm scared of trying. Which... Resulted me in removing myself from your life haha. I don't even know if you go on here anymore. If you don't then good, because then you don't have to worry about me and just continue about your life. If you do then... I honestly don't know haha. I wouldn't expect you to do anything because after everything that's happened... We've ended up something like strangers - something that absolutely tore my heart apart. Even if it's already shattered from the break up. To be honest, I've managed to keep you out of my mind. I could manage to not think about you during the day because I always kept myself occupied. May it be reading manga or watching anime, but I managed to get you out of my head at least for a couple of hours or so. Except when it comes to night... You always end up finding a way to slip back in. Every. Single. Night. Probably what? Half the week I would always have a dream of you in it. A dream where you either ignore me or reject me. A dream where it makes me want to cry the moment I wake up. Because those dreams, always reinforces the fact that it's over between us. A something that my brain understands but my heart seems to not. Haha. But today... Was a day that I couldn't get you out of my head. At all. Haha. Going out today... Was a really bad idea I guess. It was nice, considering it was at Roma Street Parkland so I could focus what was on hand at the time and the scenery was so damn beautiful too. Eating, playing around with friends and siblings, looking after siblings, being a bomb ass mafia leader and whatnot but afterwards... When we walked to the city... Oh my fucking lord, the memories would not stop. We stopped by EB games and the firs thing I thought of was the time where I bought a gift for him (my six-monthsary gift) at JB hi-fi. That did not help. Afterwards when we continued to walk, we ended up walking to The Queens for karaoke which was sadly closed at the time. That didn't help either because oh my fucking god, the memories came to me at full force. Our first outing together was when we went to the exact same karaoke bar with a bunch of friends. My heart clenched when I remembered it because on that day, I was so damn happy. It was legitimately, one of the happiest (and embarrassing) days of my life. But that day was one of the days that I cherished so dearly that it hurts so bad to the point that I'm scared of even remembering it now. No matter how much it made me smile whenever I thought of it. Since it was closed my brother wanted to go funhouse so I took them there. There, I suddenly remembered when he played MT with Jordan. Thinking about it now, there were things I could've done, things that I want to do now but I can't. Things that I yearn for but no. I don't have that privilege anymore. Brother didn't want to play at the funhouse anymore because there were people already playing MT so we went to Daiso... which reminded me of the time where he went around the shop looking for earphones and a birthday gift for his mum. Haha... Ouch. Since there was nothing left to do we just went home. The bus rides. Oh my fucking lord. How I miss them so. My favourite memories were the ones on that very bus. The bus rides with him were one of my favourite things. But now, bus rides home from the city causes me nothing but pain. Because it makes me miss him. It makes me yearn for him. It makes me want him. Not sure if lucky or not but I fell asleep... with thoughts of him drifting in and out of my mind. Like, I wake up and I feel sad 'cause it made me want to sleep on him. Oh how I miss that feeling and security. Got off the bus, walked home... And we go pass his street. Why is it, that whenever I walk pass his street I can't help but look at his direction. No matter how many times I walk pass it I always end up looking that way. Every. Fucking. Time. It hurts so bad because I want to go down that street, knock on his door and hug him. I want to. But I can't. And it tears me apart. Especially because after everything, I'm scared to see him. I'm scared that he hates me. I'm so damn terrified. I had to type this to get the feeling off my chest. Even if it's sacrificing my sleep despite having another outing tomorrow. It's currently 12 in the morning and I only got six hours today so there goes my sleep haha. It didn't really do much but at least the feeling is gone. Just the fact that my tears threaten to spill remains haha...  |
